Mixture

Yesterday… turned out kind of weird. I did my job without trying to think about whether someone else should be doing it, got a fair amount done (and probably more than anyone else), and still did a bit of other stuff. I went for a run around lunch time, despite the rain, and while I was out, remembered a dream I had had in the past day or two, where there was a crying baby boy (who was not mine), and someone asked me to hold him, and I was nervous about it, but when I did, he relaxed and stopped crying. I’m not sure why I remembered it, since it happened while I was running, but I’m also not really sure why I hadn’t remembered it before. Anyhow, I finished the audiobook about pregnancy, so I’m on to the fantasy novel I had already bought before. While I was listening to that, and particularly towards the end when it talked about birth, and mentioned a number of things that could go wrong, I noticed what I have often referred to as medical anxiety rising within me… only I finally recognized it for what it was. I thought I could watch gory battle scenes, and that was okay, but that medical things made me uncomfortable, but I finally realized that they both do the same thing to me. The thought of blood or body parts elicit a fight response from me, regardless of whether they are martial or medical. I was getting very on edge and angry while listening to this book about giving birth, because they mentioned blood. This is, obviously, going to present something of a problem should we end up having a baby. I need to work a bit on calming that down a little. Of course, I didn’t go slaughtering anyone from my audiobook or anything, so my actions remained under my control, but my mood and thoughts raced and went down predetermined paths. I have avoided viewing medical procedures or thinking about them, overall, because I could tell it had a profound effect on me in the past, and I had read it as anxiety… because this sort of berserk response is very similar to extreme stress… when it happens, I am fully ready to basically fight for my life… but maybe I should make an effort to try to learn to experience things like that and not respond, or at least bring the responses more fully under my control. This realization was both disturbing and hopeful. It’s weird that I respond this way. On the other hand, it makes a lot of sense, and gives me a chance to maybe figure out why this is happening to me.

I stopped at the grocery store on the way home, because Megan wanted me to pick something up. I got that and a couple other things, as well. I was in a fairly bad mood, though, in large part from being very tired, and I think I kind of creeped people out while there. I was only there briefly, though. I got home and Megan and I heated up leftovers for dinner, watched some Netflix, and talked about our upcoming trip. Megan likes to plan out routes and things, and I like that less. She had also been less busy at work than I have been, so she had planned out a lot of stuff that I hadn’t had time to look at. I looked at that, while trying to also just do a little of my normal internet stuff. I think she was a little upset that I wanted to do that other stuff. Anyhow, after a little while, we watched Agents of SHIELD, and then the shows that came on after that. I put the computer down for the SHIELD show, because I wanted to just watch it. I tried to look at everything that she had already planned out, and it looked fine. We had a little bit of trouble from that, because she really wants to plan it and take my desires into consideration, but I just don’t have any particular expectations for the trip. She has been to Nashville, and has things she wants to do. I basically am just along for the ride. I think looking for diamonds might be cool, and we made that reservation for the place in Virginia… but apart from that, the only really interesting thing I found was a replica of the Parthenon with a statue of Athena in it in Nashville. Other than that, I don’t really feel strongly about any other part of the trip. I tried to tell her that. I think it made sense after a while. I also got really frustrated by how Megan really likes to look at street level views, and really analyze things using a lot of tools with which I am not familiar. I guess just because I’m not used to it, I found it hard to figure out how to use them. I guess that was just my frustration. I don’t care to put as much effort into figuring out which hotel to stay in… and am not actually that interested in going to see live music in Nashville. I’m just sort of pulling in on myself in certain ways. Maybe it’s just a manifestation of my depression. I also got upset (though I kept it under my hat) when Gypsy was making noises and Megan just told me to go find her. I really dislike when she tells me to do something rather than asking me to do something. Eventually, she got up to help, and found her. She was hiding under a dresser and playing. We went to bed, and I tried to get us somewhere that we understood each other before we slept. I think it worked okay.

I slept fairly well, but woke up about 15 minutes before the alarm was set. I then promptly fell asleep and had four separate dreams. I don’t really remember them any more, but they were quite vivid, and it was strange that I had so many in so short of a time. I got up and got ready, and was again bothered by my getting everything ready while Megan just hung out in bed not getting ready. I haven’t said anything to her, so perhaps I ought to. Anyhow, because I did get us ready, I made it to work just fine, listened to my new book, and have been trying to finish up the task I was given yesterday. I’m trying not to remain in the depths of depression, but I can feel it there. I think I’m going to skip running today, not because of depression, but because I have a lot of soreness, and I think that running four days a week might be better for my training rather than five.