Left Turn

Yesterday did not go as planned. Work was normal, but Megan emailed halfway through the day and said she would be coming home earlier, and might be home before I was. That changed my plans a bit, since it meant I wouldn’t be able to play my game. Still, it also meant I got to spend the evening with Megan, which is also good. I enjoyed spending time with her, but also wish I could have had time to play my game. I guess life is just like that. Anyhow, I got home pretty much right after she did… she was still in the car when I pulled up. We went inside, hugged a bit, and she started telling me a story, which I interrupted briefly so we could start dinner and cook while we talked. There were a bunch of leftovers, or premade chicken tikka masala, but since rice to go with the Indian food would take a while, and Megan wasn’t feeling like the leftovers, we made chicken nuggets, wonton soup, and had pita chips and hummus while it cooked. After that, we watched Bones on Netflix, and after the first episode, I made brownies, though I guess Megan didn’t realize it until I told her, because she was really excited about it. I wonder what she thought I was doing in the kitchen, but I guess she just didn’t realize I was gone for that long, since she was crocheting. Anyhow, we watched more Bones, then I took the brownies out, then we watched a bit more, and halfway through, I got some brownies with ice cream, and we ate. There was only one more episode left on Netflix, but it was late, so we went to bed, talked a bit more, and went to sleep. Again, I didn’t sleep so well, though I was rather tired, but at least I think it’s possible that I might have made a net gain on sleep, since I left the alarm late, because Megan was teleworking today. I got up and got ready, and made it out on time. I hit traffic, though, so I was a little late to work. All of the programs we use are down, so I’ve breezed through most of the other stuff I can do, and now I’m not sure what to do. I guess I’ll reboot to try to see if that works, but I suspect the problem isn’t my computer, but the server. I guess I’ll just try to do other things as well as I can. Matt and Ryan are planning to come over tomorrow, and I guess they want to make a sugarfree cheesecake. I hope they realize that neither of us will probably eat it… I don’t like cheesecake, and neither of us like artificial sweeteners. Maybe it just uses honey or something. Anyway, I guess we’ll be hanging out with them, and hopefully getting rid of all of their wedding stuff from our sitting room. That will be good… and we haven’t had a visit from Matt and Ryan without a bunch of craft projects for a while, so hopefully, it will be nice. I’m a bit apprehensive, but I think part of that is from my lingering depression. I’m definitely in the time range that people would normally expect for St. John’s wort to have started working… but I guess I haven’t gotten past the higher end of the range, so perhaps it will still take time. It is definitely taking its toll, though. I talked to Megan a bit last night about how I was pretty depressed for most of this week, and she wanted to help, but doesn’t know what to do, and I don’t know what to tell her. I haven’t tried journeying yet, because I was busy. I guess I should try today. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by it… though I still have been carrying on with my regular activities. I’m definitely stressed out and having trouble keeping up with everything. I had a few times yesterday where I just had to stop and cover my eyes and breathe. I don’t know if I’m not meditating enough or if it’s just not doing enough for me, or I’m overthinking things, and not meditating enough to compensate for it, or if I’m not paying attention to things enough…. I’m definitely dwelling to much in it. Exercise isn’t doing anything for it, for sure. I’m doing more than I have in a long time, and am getting into good shape, but it isn’t making me happy. Starting yesterday, I started trying to work my eyes a bit. I have a tendency to not really look at things. My eyes just kind of glaze over, and I don’t focus on things… and I started to wonder if that was contributing to my eyes getting weaker. I tried just looking at far away things and trying to get my eyes to focus… not squinting, but trying to get things to resolve by looking at them differently. I think it has been helping, but I will need to keep it up for a while. I think that also ties in a bit with my tendency not to look at people, or look people in the eye. While running, I have been making an effort to try to greet the people I pass, even though hardly anyone greets me back. I don’t always do it very loud, though… because I am running, and often out of breath. Yesterday, I made the full two miles, probably because my legs were tired, and I started out slower. I think that’s a big part of it. I’ve sort of wandered off, here. I just hope I can find my way back….