Harrowing

I had jury duty yesterday. If I never have jury duty again, it will be too soon. Luckily, they didn’t need me today. I hope they don’t need me on Monday, either. After that, I guess I am off the hook for the near future.

I finished catching up on my podcasts Wednesday afternoon, so I started listening to music on the playlist I made of just songs that I like, and that was enjoyable. I sang along on the way home, and came to this place where I felt very powerful again. I stopped at the grocery store for a couple of things because Megan asked me to get some things that she didn’t want to get at Costco, since we didn’t need a huge amount. I came home after that, and asked her whether I should start anything for dinner, and she said they were still waiting for them to rotate her tires, and she would call when they were coming back, so I fed the cats, started some laundry, and decided to play Rocksmith for a while, and played a few songs and started getting guitar callouses again. That was enjoyable, and a good diversion. When they came back, I had started a second load of laundry, and made all the sides for the rotisserie chicken they had picked up. We ate and then pretty much went to bed, because I was really nervous about jury duty, and we were both pretty tired.

In the morning, I was so nervous about it that I couldn’t bring myself to eat, even though Megan had made a bagel for me. I felt a bit bad about it, but I couldn’t even consider eating something that big. I did manage to drink the coffee I had made ahead of time, since I was still very tired, and did some things on the internet to keep myself occupied before I needed to go. I got to the court house in plenty of time, and got settled in for a while. I had brought an actual book, since I wasn’t entirely sure about whether I could use my kindle or not, the mass market paperback could fit in my pocket, and the kindle book I have been reading has been a little dry. I read for a while, until they showed a video, which looked like it had been produced in the ’80s, or so early in the ’90s as to be indistinguishable therefrom. We then waited for another couple of hours, and my nervousness diminished a little bit. I read, but got kind of bored, and would take regular breaks. Eventually, though, they picked a bunch of us to go in for jury selection. They got a really big number of people, and a number of people wondered aloud why they would get so many for just one jury. We were ushered into the courtroom, and then we found out why. The case was about an man allegedly sexually abusing his girlfriend’s 14 year old daughter. They asked questions to try to narrow down the jury selection, and none of them applied to me. I found myself getting more and more tense that I might be picked for this. I tried to tell myself that I could handle this, that I would be serving the cause of justice if I were on the jury, and that I make sound decisions, but when the judge asked if there was anyone who might let their emotions prevent them from passing a fair verdict, after considering it, I got up, because I do react very strongly with anger to any story I read of sexual abuse, and in considering if this case seemed like he was guilty, but the facts didn’t bear it out, I didn’t know that I could remain impartial about it. As I waited in line to tell the judge this, and try to figure out a way I could say it, I found myself getting more and more angry about the whole situation, and I said my piece to the judge and the lawyers while, inexplicably, the defendant listened in. They questioned me about it, because I didn’t specifically give a reason for my anger at these topics, and I had to just stick to my guns about not being able to be sure I could remain impartial… because I still didn’t really feel comfortable explaining why. When I went back to my seat, they asked another question or two, and I sat there, feeling somewhat defeated, because I like to pride myself on being able to remain impartial in most circumstances, and realizing that I could not. I also sat in dread of the idea that despite my objections, I might still be selected. It wasn’t that I wanted to shirk my civic duty, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that just sitting through the testimony might be torture for me, and I did not look forward to that possibility. It was probably only about five minutes that I was waiting there, but it felt like a very long time. They did eventually excuse a number of jurors. I was relatively early in the process, so I didn’t hear how many, but I was finally excused and told to report back to the waiting room. When I left the court room, I let out a tense breath I didn’t know I was holding, and felt a palpable relief. They took my number and released us for a lunch break. I tried to figure out what I could eat, and went to the cafeteria, since I couldn’t find anything appealing nearby on my phone. I looked at the menu and considered the options, but realized when I came close to where I would order that I was still so angry that I didn’t think I could keep anything down, despite not having eaten anything that day. I went back to the waiting room, tried to read, realized I couldn’t even do that, and tried to gather my thoughts, find my center, and stretch out some of the tension. After a little while, I was able to read again, and did that for the remainder of the lunch break, after which they dismissed us for the day. I am still on call until Monday (though not over the weekend). I gathered my things and wandered back to my car along the main street, trying to consider whether I wanted to eat anything along the way. I found myself crying on the way back to my car, and feeling oddly protective of some people who happened to be walking along the same path as me. I headed home after that, not having found anything worth eating, and then got inside and had some leftovers. I tried to watch something that wouldn’t be disturbing on Netflix while I ate, and watched about 8 minutes of Cave of Forgotten Dreams (a documentary about prehistoric cave painting) before I decided my heart wasn’t in it. I had considered playing the guitar really loud to try to get some of that anger out of me, but I wasn’t feeling particularly good about that, either, so I just decided I would try to take a nap and recuperate from what had been a thoroughly draining day for me, emotionally. I got into bed, and both of the kitties came to snuggle with me, which was nice. I had trouble slowing down enough to fall asleep, but did eventually do so.

I woke up when my phone rang. Megan and Jim had a class yesterday, and had planned to go to the Honda dealership afterwards to drop Megan’s car off for both a safety recall and an oil change. They were leaving it until today, so they asked me to pick them up. I got dressed again and went to pick them up. I was still kind of sleepy, so it was a bit surreal, but I did my best to remain present and focused. I got there the same time as them, and they loaded some things into my

car. I stood outside in a daze while they delivered her car, and then we came home. When we got back, we discussed dinner, but it was still rather early. They had some chips and dip, and I had an orange, and we went through mail and talked a bit. Then Megan and I took showers and then cracked open the Cat Genie, so Jim could try to fix the motor that was jammed, rather than paying for a whole new unit (or whole new Cat Genie). It took a while to find the appropriate tools, but he was able to get it up and running again, though it was rather complex. That saved us a couple hundred dollars, so I appreciated it. Somewhere in there, I checked, and was relieved not to have to go back for jury duty today. I still have to check tonight for Monday, but hopefully, it will be over for me soon. While we were fixing the motor, I got an odd craving for lasagna, but since we were already in pajamas, didn’t float the idea of going out. Jim wasn’t hungry, anyway, so we just made some pizzas from the stuff we still had around, and then watched Netflix. I requested that we take a break from Glee, since it had been leaving me cold in the episodes we had been watching recently, and we watched two episodes of the X Files, instead. Then I took out the trash, and we had a lot of it. We then went to bed a bit early, and I managed to take some melatonin and valerian root, so I could try to sleep a bit better, particularly with the stress I had gone through recently. I woke up several times, but fell asleep again quickly, so I think it worked fairly well.

This morning, I got up. There was a mix of freezing rain and snow predicted, so I had hoped that I might not need to go to work (It can’t hurt to check, anyway), but that didn’t work out. The prediction showed it coming in at 6:45, and I normally leave at 7, so I decided my commute might be better if I tried to leave earlier rather than later, and hurried to get ready with Megan. We got everything done around 6:30, and I headed out. I finished my audiobook this morning, which was cool, but still have a lot of podcasts to get through. I didn’t miss too much yesterday, so I haven’t had to do a lot of catch up, but I am still feeling kind of awful. I had a lasting headache that didn’t respond well to medication, and my stomach has been in revolt, and I’m in a depressed mood, as well as feeling oddly surreal pretty much at all times. I’m not sure if it’s just the lingering effects of that emotional stress, or if it’s from the possibility of having to go back on Monday still looming over me, or if it’s maybe something else. I’m trying to deal with it, though I’m also just feeling kind of sick and wishing I could just go home already. The weather is bad, so that would be a bad drive, but I don’t know what it’s going to do later in the day, so it might not matter. Anyhow, I’m trying to stick it out, and just hope that things get better soon.

My depression is definitely rearing its head again, which is not unexpected, given the stress I’ve gone through, recently. This is definitely a difficult time for me, and I guess I have been dealing with it okay. I have definitely had reactions to things, but I have kept calm overall and kept myself going about my business, for the most part. I think that is actually pretty good, despite how my mood has not been great. I know that even if I get called back to jury duty on Monday, I’m going to get through this. I might be tense for longer than I would be otherwise, but I would survive. Now I just need to try to get myself back to normal again. I do believe that things will get a bit clearer after 5 today, when I can check if I will have to report on Monday, but it will be okay, either way.