How I Feel

This isn’t being written as a bitch fest at anyone, nor is it a sympathy plea or attention seeking. It’s more a "clear the shit outta my farked up brain" moment, so excuse me if it’s kinda garbled.

So I now have no licence for 6 months, get it back 14th june, thats not good, but I have contingencies in place atm to cater for that.  I didn’t have contingencies for feeling like my relationship is about to fall apart.  Aimee is upset, I realise that, I understand why and accept that. But I think it’s more. I feel it’s a case of the straw that broke the animals back.  I’m worried she’s tired of waiting and see’s this as another setback and is pretty much over it. Tbh if a guy "like me" walked into her life all of a sudden and he was canadian, I think I’d be single. Who can blame her. I cant, and I’m not even being boo hoo woah is me about it, Im just accepting that it might happen soon.  I try and complement her, I try and get close in a kinky way, and I cant anymore.  It falls on deaf ears or I get shot down because nothing does anything because we’ll we all know that the real thing is better then talking about it. The latter I can understand, but I remember when she’d giggle and get a self confidence boost. I remember when i use to make her feel good, and special…now..I just make her upset, again and again and again.  I think therein lies the problem. I suck as a boyfriend, it’s proven history.

Anyone else woulda been there by now and married yadda yadda, but nooOOooo I gotta get her involved with me when i have 19k debt and no means to pay it off quickly. What sorta life can I honestly offer her apart from waiting and wondering day after day what next Im going to fuck up. Great life I’ve given her.  I dont know what to do because I feel like I’m failing her and I cant win her back.  I know she’s still in my life, and sticking by me, but I dont think she really thinks Im worth it much anymore, I dont know how to show her bar get there, I’m trying, I really am.  I dont go out and fuck up on purpose then say it’s not my fault. I admit Im not perfect. I admit Im not always the smartest person. I think i admit, that I cant make her happy….

I dont know what to do..