A tune to move to….

Once in a while, you happen upon something, so amazing, so wonderful. A tale that seems to catch you by the heart and whirls you around. I grabbed it via torrent, but I’ll be buying it. This is such an en capturing movie…

We have the weekend off course wise. We have three assessments left and 3 weeks. I’m actually going to miss it, it’s been so refreshing to be out and meeting new people. So I’m drinking tonight, and watching the above movie. And thinking, lots of thinking. Thinking about things that have some meaning, some relevance in my life. My sister, Kerri, got married today. Today also, would have been Aimee and mines anniversary. I emailed her, I know I shouldn’t have, but I did, it still holds meaning to me. Deep down inside I still have that shining light that gives me strength, that drives me forward, that helps keep my head held high and my focus. I know things aren’t the greatest with my life, and my mental state has taken a battering of late, but I still go on. I’ve never been one to just give in, maybe I should? Maybe I should be like most people and say it’s too much effort, it’s too hard to go through this and it’s easier just to restart and find something closer to home. What is there that is closer? Nothing named Aimee, nothing that even during the worst days, can make bring a tear to my eye when I close them and imagine her hand slowly touching my face. I can still feel it, the warmth, the depth of feeling and meaning in her touch. I long for it. I cant help it.
I fight a darkness, I really do. Resignation, anger, resentment, finality, all these things if I gave up. I’d become bitter, unapproachable and uncaring, tied up in my own world, cut off from everyone else bar family. I would shut everything out, just to spite life. I would resent happy people for having something I didn’t fight for. Maybe that’s what I need to do, to fight through this, to prove to her how much this means to me. I guess I haven’t done enough, not yet, not until I’m her doorstep, with luggage and a smile. Maybe then will I be accepted back, the way I want to be. Well fuck, I guess I’m going to have to find out.

I just need a hand, just one hand out there to pick me up job wise and put me on my feet. I can honestly run the rest of the way. Shit, come July/August next year I’ll have only the credit card as a debt, I don’t want to wait that long, but that’s something I have to aim for if nothing else.
At the moment, I feel I need to give Aimee her space. To not force anything from her or upon her. I know she hasn’t written about this in her OD, and yet she tells me to talk about it and get it out, but she has Dave to talk to I guess. I really don’t have many people at the moment I can lean on. My parents still support me through this, I think though Mum worries how long I can keep fighting it. She just wants to see me happy, and settled finally, after everything I’ve gone through, in life. I know compared to some it’s rather meagre, but that’s their life, and their trials and tribulations, these are mine, so their hard for me. I don’t let them hold me down, at least I like to think I don’t, at times though I wonder.

At the moment, with the music in my ears, I feel like I’m running, not away from things, but towards something. Trying as I might. It’s water under my feet and a wake spreads behind me, that wake is life. The water that surrounds me is the endless sea that is fate. Amongst fate there are Islands of hope, of what could be, of what is. Like the ‘two paths diverged in a forest’ kind of thing. One path away from everything I have held dear these past few years, everything I have tried to work towards, the other still on the hard road, with no very short end in sight bar a minor miracle. I often wonder how Aimee feels, but I cant begin to imagine. I’ll be honest in my thoughts, and tell you I doubt I rate very highly at this time, but that is a low self esteem personal opinion, and if I didn’t she obviously wouldn’t converse with me, but the lack of emotion in some respects makes me feel as such nonetheless.

Heh, just found this in regard to cancerians: "Their link with the Moon often makes it impossible for them to operate on an even keel from day to day. Up and down like the proverbial yo-yo, most Cancerians feel one way one minute, then sometimes totally different the next." I am by no means ever on an even keel…..YAAAAR! *Waves my timber about until it shivers*…….whoops…..

I don’t know what I’ll do with regards to here, or Facebook. I suspended that for the time being, to give Aimee some space. I felt like I was looking over her shoulder/stalking her by checking it repetitively on a daily basis. Mind you I guess if I get rid of this she’d never know what was going on inside my head on a daily basis. Probably be a good thing. Imagine chucking a plastic jar of peanut butter in front of a Abrams MBT and watching the spot afterwards…that’d be the inside of my head atm, one big fucking mess.

God I’m a talkative little munchkin tonight. tired, and drawn out, but talkative. I wish this rain would sod off even if it matches my mood, and/or mental state, of late. I want to clean my bike and do my rims. Meant to go see Kerri tomorrow and I’m not going when the weather is this shite. /sigh

I miss Aimee’s’ gentle touch, did I mention that? I miss a lot about her, I wonder if she does me, or if she thinks about it, but doesn’t tell me. Or if she just switches off to it? Don’t get me wrong I don’t think she’s so callous or cold hearted that she doesn’t care. I just don’t hear the little things anymore, not the honeymoon things, but the little things. Well shit I guess currently I have no right to. Like I have no right to sit here and feel downtrodden and dejected that she’s going out for Halloween dressed all sexy like and I have no way of seeing it, or taking advantage of it, or enjoying it because hell, it isn’t my fucking place anymore. I fee

l left out of everything.

I’m like the tall skinny kid that everyone pics last for sports.
…..Oh wait!….

THAT WAS A JOKE PEOPLE!

But yeah, I feel like I don’t belong in anything right now. Like…I’m a reminder of the past, and a possibility in the future, but something so uncertain you don’t want to get close to it in case you change your mind. Kind of like one of I have a 30 day money back guarantee.

Look I’m sorry if this is all I tend to talk about but I don’t really have much else to actually converse with you, about. Not like I can go:
"This guy at work touched my leg and asked me if I liked sailors!"
That was an example btw, that actually never happened….I think…..because I’m not working at the moment…so nyah!

Okay…I’m running out of shit to dribble

I shall go pour myself a measure of Makers Mark, clicketh some random video game and enjoy my night of explosions, maiming and mayhem.

Goodnight good people