What to do
Dear Diary,
Well it started yesterday when I came home from work. My mother wasn’t home, she was at a meeting ’til 9pm, and the guy who drives me to choir practice hurt his back somehow and couldn’t drive me to practice. So I had the crazy idea of driving over to Ryan’s and suprising him. I arrived at his place around 5:45 and walked right in like I always do. A friend of the family’s was there in his mother’s room, and she was sobbing because she had lost her job that day. It was her first day and they said she wasn’t cut out for it(I found out it was cleaning houses). She is also a recovering herion addict and Ryan doesn’t like hearing about her problems much.
He was happy and suprised to see me, and he held me for a while as he watched TV. Then we went into his room and he was kept asking me what I was doing there and stuff. Oh, I forgot to mention he was drinking Budweiser when I came over. So anywho, he showed me some Shania Twain music videos he had gotten from the library, and then he wanted to watch Interview with a Vampire. We started watching it in his room, but then he asked if I wanted to watch it in his mother’s room. I said I didn’t care, and so he took out the tape and went to his mother’s room. She let him watch it, even though she wasn’t a fan of that movie. We watched it for a while, and they were both sitting there smoking, Ryan still drinking. During that time Ryan said he was still mad at Holly for making him listen to her problems. He then found his mother’s pot pipe and tried to get a hit. I told him I wouldn’t date anyone with a drug habit, and he said he was quitting and wouldn’t do that stuff around me. Since he told me this, I got pissed at him for doing it now in front of me. Then I asked if he would make some food for us, and he went downstairs and warmed up leftover shimp and a rib, with a baked potato. I ate it with them, then Ryan got tired of watching the movie and we went back into his room.
I then told him I’d have to go in 30 mins. He got upset then and realized he hadn’t spent the time with me he wanted to. He started crying and I kept telling him he DID spend time with me, but what he wanted was when it was just him and I. I tried to console him, but he kept being hard on himself, even hit himself at one point. Then he went on about how his life sucked and he didn’t like when I was with him and there was a time frame. We went outside and I thought some fresh night air would help him, it didn’t. So we went back inside the house and he was still moody and depressed. Around 9:45 I left the house and he walked me out. I held him in the moonlight as he cried on my shoulder. Then we talked for 5 mins in my car, then he ended the night with "I’m kinda’ glad you came over, but then I’m not" and slammed my car door.
I don’t know about him, it’s a side of him I’ve never seen before. I wish he wouldn’t drink and smoke cigarettes so much. I don’t know, maybe I’m trying to make something work that just won’t. He told me that night I should just break up with him, that he was a loser. *Sigh* I don’t know.