09.12.2022
So I had an online diary, and I went to start writing, and then Open Diary wasn’t recognizing my email. I searched online diary services and I couldn’t find any other types of online journals I had signed up for. Which makes me wonder… Do I have memory issues? I’ve always suspected I did. Or did my account get abducted by aliens or something?
And by the time I did all that searching and signed up for Open Diary (again??) I lost whatever thread was in my head to write about. Seems to confirm my suspicions about memory issues.
Am I ‘quietly quitting’? It’s true it is amazingly hard for me to concentrate. Like… right now. Since I stopped going to therapy though I figured it might be a good thing to start writing again. At least in the moment it feels good to “talk” to someone. My therapist was really nice… but I didn’t feel I was getting anything out of therapy. She was an ear to listen, but that was it. I didn’t feel like I was working on any issues. Which then made me wonder, do I have issues? Well, I only have to wonder for a second because I definitely do. Which makes me realize I didn’t open up about those issues. So there the fault lies with me. I think my desire to get some sort of validation from professionals, or really anyone at all, has made it difficult for me to really open up to my therapist. I’m so concerned with “Look! I’m a functioning and successful adult!”
Except lately I haven’t felt so successful. My credit is falling again. I need to pay off the balance I built up to push my score up again. And I need to figure out a way to go back to school. Which means I have to pay off my balances because I pay everything out of pocket. It’s weird how so much of my self esteem is connected to whether or not I have a degree, even though I know it shouldn’t. I wouldn’t judge others for not having a degree so why judge myself? Or maybe I do judge others for not having a degree. I think it’s both. I think I assume a lot of people have degrees when they don’t because they seem educated. I was recently surprised to find out at least half the people I knew didn’t have one. It’s probably also a complex my mom and sister instilled in me. I walked around my whole life thinking I wasn’t as good as, or as professional as, or as qualified as my coworkers… Only to find out in the end their resumes were not much different than mine.
It makes me think a lot of people lie on their resumes. It’s funny how you have a perception of someone you think is solid and educated and established as successful… and then to your surprise it just collapses. On one hand you can say it could happen to anyone, and that’s true. But then I think of situations like a childhood “friend” of mine (she was a total brat and later I realized she had strong sociopathic tendencies) who was from a well to do family. She always had new computer games and they took vacations and I envied her a little but that was just life. Then in high school it came out that her dad had been embezzling company funds and was charged. He wound up on probation and had to wear an ankle monitor and had to get another job after that. By the time we were graduating their house was literally falling apart and cars were getting repo-ed. At first I felt bad for her but then after I realized how manipulative she was I just ended the friendship and went my own way.
Anyway. I need to get back to work.