05.04.2023

It’s almost halfway through the year. Holy Cow.

One of my favorite things in life is blankets. There’s so much to do with temperature. My other favorite things are air conditioning and hot water. Creature comforts. I’m very thankful for my creature comforts. I know there are people in the world who don’t have them.

I order the pool today. We’re going to get a round this time. I hope we can get the bottom flat. The ridges make the vacuum not work well. We’ll have to rig up some hoses too. It is a splurge, but its a planned one and in AZ it’s worth it. It’s important to me. The enjoyment I get out of it, the feeling when I can sit in the sunlight and be inside my own head. It helps with the depression. At a time like now when we’re trying to pay things off instead of taking trips, eating out or shopping and what not it’s a good thing for a homebody to do. We already have the equipment, the pump and vacuum and some of the chemicals from last year so it wont be as expensive. Ian’s going to get the plywood sides to go around it because our monster dog will tear a hole in it if we don’t. :/

I have to work at being okay where I am. I think it’s a neurotic habit of mine that I have to have to-do lists and I keep thinking that if I could just get through these things I can relax and enjoy where I am at in life, but things always pop up to be added to the list. I need to keep my head down and finish what I have and not add anymore. I’m getting better at that. I’m getting better at designating things as “need” to do versus just something I’d like to do. Prioritizing and not getting sucked into the OCD. I am right where I need to be at this moment. That is my mantra. The passage of time gives me anxiety. I have to fight that anxiety.

I’ve been feeling very kinky lately. Daydreaming a lot about bdsm. I think I’m going to start journaling the things I think about and noting what’s going on in my life at the time and what time of the month it is, whether I’m on my cycle, etc. There are mysteries in my moods and emotions to be found out.

I’m going to start journaling my dreams too. I want to teach myself to lucid dream.