04.19.2023-2

Blegh. I just feel blegh. I feel it about work. I feel it about life. About myself. I’m looking for something, and I don’t know what it is. There is something missing and I don’t know what it is.

I wish I could find out what happened to me as a child. I have clues from my mother, but nothing concrete. The only thing I can think of is hypnotism. I wonder if you really can retrieve lost memories. I don’t need to prove it in a court of law. My parents have passed, and I’m estranged from my sister. I already have more recent memories of instances of abuse and neglect, but I strongly suspect there is something more. Things are manifesting in my adult life, and knowing what I know about my family… It would be more surprising to find out nothing had happened than to find out something did. My brother has been so jacked up on drugs, and so many years have passed that I don’t need to confront him. But I need to know for me. I already know my family covers things up, they’ll never acknowledge or take responsibility for even the things too obvious to deny. If I want to give myself validation though, and work through things to give myself the acknowledgement and validation that they denied me, I need those memories.

I admit I don’t know much about hypnotism but I suppose I should start my research. I’m not afraid of false memories, I feel like I have enough memories already to tell the difference from something artificially placed. Someone doing my hypnotism isn’t going to know the details of our house or the smells and the feelings from the time and place. Besides, with the memories and knowledge I already have that even enabled me to know I needed to look… I think I’ll be able to tell.

I know I could be facing the possibility of wasting money on someone who isn’t genuine. That may just be the pitfalls of the journey. Or perhaps it won’t work on me. Maybe I have too many walls.

I don’t feel like I know what I want out of therapy yet. No, that’s not it. I know the bones of what I want, I don’t know what to ask for yet. Not being a professional in the field myself, I don’t know what kind of therapies or techniques to ask for. I still have walls up. I’m still guarded. When my psychiatrist asks me about my medication I just automatically say everything is good because it’s like when someone asks you how you are the only socially acceptable response is “good.” I know I need to stop that. Maybe I need to explain that to my psychiatrist.