The light in my eyes that shut off…

…I kind of think are turning on again.

…

I am the first born son.

My mother told me that the moment she held me in her arms she saw this light that radiated like nothing she had ever seen.

She told me that when I was a child she knew I had the capability for great things…I was going to be a leader, I was going to be strong and compassionate and understanding. I was going to help people.

…she also told me that after years of physical (and some sexual) abuse (the sexual she wouldn’t even know about until years later), she saw the light in my eyes slowly begin to fade and die out…

 

I was in therapy by about six years old, on meds by eleven.

And I’m not placing blame or anything, but knowing about this light, and knowing that it died out…I guess I have always carried around this stigma with me that I am the walking dead.

I’m already gone, so why bother?

 

Lately I have been improving things.

Small, little things that most people wouldn’t notice.

I have been doing things that most people would just assume a normal person should do, but to me they are huge victories.

A few weeks ago my mom said something about how I just looked better. She said she could see it in my eyes.

My sister also said some things about how I just looked good.

 

I was wearing the same old clothes and the same old hair…but now there was something different?

And then I got that text last night.

 

I dunno.

 

I am even doing things that are still surprising to me.

I mean, Rachael and Echo aren’t a new change in my life, but I am constantly looking back on how out of character for me I have always thought my character was.

 

Fuck…maybe I have been spending all of this time thinking I am a waste, when really I just never gave myself the chance to be anything else?

And when I would work hard enough to be something else I would fuck it up and ruin it because…well, I’m a waste right? Why would I deserve anything?

 

Maybe I deserve something.

 

Maybe I deserve a lot of things.

 

Maybe I’m not a monster, or an inherit failure, or a complete and total waste of carbon.

 

…maybe.