Right at the moment you think you have had enough
…life throws you a curveball and gives you a reason to keep pushing for a few more months.
So, there is this album…a lot of old school Dane and the Death Machine fans sometimes refer to it as the "legendary" Vices and Devices, and make other remarks towards it being the "lost album" and such things as this.
The reason they refer to it this way, is because I have been talking about this album since after Thanatron. Seriously…I have been planning out this album for five years now. It just hasn’t felt like the right time to put it out…until now.
So, this is now the time. And it is giving me a chance to focus all of this negative energy I have been harvesting lately, and release it into something that can be a healthy outlet for me…for me, music is a lot like the reason psychologists think most people cut themselves, to take the pain outward and have a physical manifestation they can control and manipulate and look at…it’s supposed to make you feel better. I think it does. At the end of this album I will have something I can take and look back at as a third party…dissect it, interpret it, let it go and get it out of me.
This album…we started doing a lot of the leg work last night. A lot of the actual work…after this it’s just going to be the fun part of building something amazing…I guess right now we are just laying the foundation.
But this album is going to be completely different from any other Dane and the Death machine album before it. It’s going to be one of the most sad, beautiful, dark, twisted, honest things that I have ever been a part of. I’m really fucking excited right now. I mean…honestly really excited.
There are still a lot of things that hurt right now, and this album isn’t going to change or fix those things, but it will give me a reason to keep going, to keep working towards something that makes me feel complete, and I have to face the fact that I will never be rich, I will never have a great job or house or family…but when I create something out of nothing…I feel accomplished, and proud of myself and I feel like maybe my life isn’t a complete and total waste of time and space.
My mom always tells me that I haven’t done anything in life to be proud of…that I haven’t accomplished anything in my life.
She knows that I have 12 albums under my belt, not to mention the guest appearances I have made on other albums for other peoples projects…
She doesn’t care.
She views my music as just self pity…a big pity party for Dane.
And you know what? Yeah…obviously I am writing about myself, because I am the only thing I really know the ins and outs of…and yeah, a lot of my music is about the things I don’t like and don’t know how to express in a conversation…but I also write about life as I understand it, love as I understand it, drugs as I understand them, addiction in general as I understand it, relationships as I understand it…
I don’t think my music is worthless. I really don’t…I go in and out of feeling like it is a lot, but right now at this moment I know it’s not. I know it’s worth something. I know that this album is going to be important to me…it’s going to be important to Spencer, Brett, and Alec…it’s going to be important to handful of other people too. And if it only ever makes it into the hearts and minds and souls of a handful of people, that’s enough for me.
That’s all I want.
I just like knowing people can relate to the parts of me that are deep down in there, the parts of me that people share but no one likes to talk about or even acknowledge.
And I know that people who relate to it like knowing that I am out there, feeling these same feelings and thinking these same thoughts, the ideas and emotions that you need to keep secret and gaurded from the rest of the world because society hates a frowny face.
I have read the messages on myspace, and in my E-mails, and on my old website…I have read the words of people who are greatful because a certain song got them through the day, or a certain album got them through a rough patch where they felt alone and outcast and everything hurt and they felt like they were the only ones in the world he have ever gone through what they were going through…and they listen to some of my songs, and yeah maybe I’m not going through exactly what they are, but there is a certain amount of empathy that they get from it.
That shit makes me feel good.
My mom always tells me, "when I am sad, I don’t want to listen to sad music it just makes everything worse, it doesn’t make sense to me how anyone could feel good after listening to your music."
My mom has never really been one for empathy though, so I guess that whole thing makes sense to me.
I guess, I have such a good feeling about this album because I am not doing it because this is something I want to do, this album is literally something I HAVE to do. I have to make this for myself, to save myself…this really is the only thing keeping me hanging on to the fucking thread that has my knuckles absolutely white right now. I think it’s going to come through a lot in the music and in the recording…just…this album is going to be amazing.
Even if not to anyone but me…even if everyone fucking hates it and I love it, I don’t care. Good enough for me. This needs to happen.
And I think having so many talented people a part of this…we are still trying to find a female vocalist, but already Spencer, Alec, and brett…this thing is going to be a monster. Seriously, some Frankenstein shit is going to go down here, and….yeah.
I’m done.
This was a completely rambling entry. But I don’t really care. I’m stoked. That’s all I know.
I’m still hating myself, I am still completely desperate about my life and my situation and dependant on alcohol…
But before I was just pushing myself deeper towards rock bottom…and now I have a reason to wake up, something to look forward to, a direction if even only for a few months while we are recording…
I dunno…
I’m excited.
saw you on the front page. im sure your music is great 🙂
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Hey, you need a guest singer, I’ll totally rock it out for you. But, in all seriousness, music is such a huge part of my life, I can understand why this is something you HAVE to do, and I, for one, support you, 100%. Moms are pretty lame and stupid, anyway.
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This entry just made me grin from start to finish. I can feel your sincerity and excitement.have fun creating. I’m sure it will be great.
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I remember telling you how your music has saved my life before. When you weren’t there to speak to me, when you abandoned me I had an echo of your voice to sing me through the tough times in life. Your music is so special… I don’t understand why you hate yourself so much when your music has been SO important. The self destruction wins everytime I guess. I’m listening to Veridian on the demos now
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All this pain, all this confusion in life… it will toughen you up into one of the strongest people in the world. And all these experiences will help you grow into the person you are meant to be. I love you. My words are pointless but true. You’re brilliant and I’ve always supported you musically. I NEVER wanted you to give up DDM, after the heroin den, after AA… its your calling
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lol my mom does the same thing to me about my art. “thats weird” “whats that supposed to mean” “why is everything so angry” “why cant you do flowers and landscapes” UGH! lol f*ck it! just do YOU! im really excited for yoU! this entry made me smile and im pumped that you got some more fuel for the engine. very nice. cant wait to make a few doodles for you.
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You are perfect.
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lol its ok– ill just have to deal =P ya know if you ever get around to making a little drawing thatd be an a-okay swap too! i love trading artwork with other artists, makes for good cawfee talk. either way im down! when the time comes just let me know what youre lookin for.
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excellent, this will give me something to play around with this weekend when i’m a recluse! and personally, im not sure i think theres a right way to do composition.. so not to worry!
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That’s awesome man. Everyone should something they can create to their own standards and create to some extent. It’s good for the soul. I hear you on the lessons thing. I sometimes take for granted how I and my friends came to music. Tust me though, better the skill than the training. 12 albums? How do I get the other 11?
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Your music can’t be worthless if it excites you and motivates you. Haydn’s wife used his music papers to make hair rollers. Some people never get it. You’re a creative artist and you’re creating. This is POSITIVE energy.
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She SAID that?? Seriously?? dude that’s just HEINOUS!!! dod i am soooo sorry! You are a musician and that takes a tremendous amount of talent and determination and energy and drive even if the only person who hears you play is YOU!! You effin A RIGHT you should be stoked!! You SHOW her – and every other dimbulb who just wants to suck you into their little pit of negativity – who the f*ck ARE theyto be so harsh?? Who died and made THEM the Mayor of PerfectTown? Screw them and the horse they rode in on!! You GO with your bad self!! ~high fives of total stokedness!!~ I would also kick serious ASS as your female vocalist. I’m just sayin.
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Knowing that you’re excited about your new album makes me smile. I can’t help worrying about you & this entry made me feel a lot better. I haven’t mailed the phone yet because work has been really hectic & stressful but I plan on mailing it tomorrow. I figure if I have to go in on a Friday when I’m supposed to be off I can take the phone with me & mail it from my office. By the way, you are only 23, you’ve got plenty of time to get married, have kids, buy a house. You’ve got plenty of time for all of those things & more. Plus you may decide you don’t want the house or the kids but IF you do want them there is plenty of time. You’ll stop drinking once you’ve hit rock bottom – your rock bottom. No one else’s. Trust me, I know from experience. My ex was one of the worse alcoholics ever. He wanted me to stop him from drinking & he was mad as hell when I told him that only he could stop himself & he wouldn’t stop until he hit rock bottom. His rock bottom was after he went out on a drinking binge then got in his car & crashed into another car. The accident was so bad they’ve no idea how anyone lived. The reality of it didn’t hit him until he saw the totaled car.
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His dad was with him when he saw the car & as he was looking at it in shock his father pointed out that if I had been in the car there was no way I would have lived because the passenger side was gone. You couldn’t even tell it had been there. That’s what it took & he finally quit but trust me he wasn’t ready before that. the only reason I wasn’t in the car was because I told him he was too drunk and we needed to go home. He dropped me off, broke my living room window to show me he was mad & he went out to drink some more because I was a bitch. By the way. It was January when he broke the window.
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Anyway that’s what it took for him. For his dad to quit it was something else. Both were what would be considered raging alcoholics but everyone has their own rock bottom. I’ve been to AA when they had open meetings (that’s when you can go out of support for someone) and I’ve heard plenty of stories and everyone does have a rock bottom. I realize I just left 3 notes when I should have just sentan email but oh well.
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You should be proud of yourself. I wish I had some sort of talent. Something I could create or immerse myself in and in the end feel like I’ve accomplished something. Hold on to it.
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we are still trying to find a female vocalist *raises hand* Oooh ooh! Pick me! Pick me!!!!! Seriously, though, this entry made me so happy. I’m glad you’re seeing something in yourself that’s even just a part of what we all see in you. Hopefully one day soon you’ll let yourself see the rest as well. And I’m so STOKED about the album!! That’s right! STOKED! =)
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