my mind and I hate eachother

I keep romanticising all of my memories. Even the bad ones. It all seems like nothing was as bad as it seems, and everything was better.

 

For the first time in my life I miss being a child.

I am starting to have so many regrets about so many things I have done. And I was lying to myself for the last few months thinking that I was becoming a better person. Just because I go to school now and am holding down a job and living on my own and not drinking liquor does not mean that the monster inside of me has died.

I am a real monster.

"nothing gets so bad a whisper from your father couldn’t fix it, your whisper’s like a bridge, and he’s a river span."

 

I just don’t get it…

I don’t get why I am the way I am.

I don’t understand why I am so ugly inside.

It’s fucking stupid. I can be so charming and funny and quick witted when I am up and manic. I don’t sleep for days, I draw, I paint, I write, I play music, I laugh, I dance, and I seem to be on top of everything.

But it’s just a fucking glass platform.

And then the weight of who I truly am starts to slowly accumulate.

And then there is the fall ass the glass shatters, and suddenly I am lower than ever and I don’t even care to look up and see where I fell from, because it just makes me want to dig deeper to spite myself.

No one was as great as I think they were. Nothing was as good as I think it was. It was all as bad as I felt it was.

 

Why do I fucking lie to myself?

Is it because I talk to myself when I’m alone?

Do I truly think that I am someone other than myself?

A lot of people say they talk to themselves when they are alone, but I don’t think they understand what it’s like to talk to yourself as if you weren’t alone, and then answer yourself as if you didn’t know the answer to the question.

 

I’m fucking insane.

 

FUCK

 

I am fucking crazy.

 

I’m not depressed. I’m fucking not depressed. I am supposed to be taking anti-psychotics…depressed people take anti-depressants…I’m not fucking depressed.

 

I am fucking crazy.

 

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

 

And what is the point of school anyway? So I can get a meaningless degree to make meaningless money that doesn’t stand for anything on this planet, so why the fuck would it stand for anything anywhere else?

 

I can’t wait to look back on my life and realize what a waste it all was.

 

what a joke it all is.

 

fuck.

 

FUCK!