My brain and I hate eachother.

For the last few days I have had this increasingly growing feeling that horrible things are happening, or will happen.

I don’t get it.

I don’t have any real reason to believe this, and yet here I am with a knot in my stomach.

It’s a big one. The kind that feels like someone is really in there, wringing out your guts like a filthy wash rag.

Sometimes it almost feels like a hot flash of anger towards something that I don’t even think exists…towards something that I can’t even really explain. I don’t even know what I am fucking angry at, but it comes over me as a literal heat, followed by a sickening chill.

I have had panic attacks before, but this is different.

I have felt like I was going to throw up for brief moments twice in the last hour, because whatever it is that I think is going wrong is too much to tolerate.

 

I swear to god that my brain is just trying to torture me…

 

I guess I can’t say that I don’t deserve it. With all of the drugs I have done in my life, I can understand if it’s time for a little pay back.

Or maybe I just did too many and I’m actually just this out of touch with reality.

 

I don’t even get feelings like this over horrible things I know for a fact have happened.

It’s always these made up bull-shit little things.

A seed gets planted…and as it grows, my brain slowly chips away at my mental stability until I am finally just going crazy over nothing.

 

"Time to get the seeds into the cold ground, it takes a while to grow anything."

 

I don’t get it.

 

I don’t like feeling like this.

 

I think I just want to go to sleep. It’s almost five, if people can start getting hammered at this time, then it should be perfectly suitable for me to call it a night.

 

Fuck this.

 

"Before you put my body in the cold ground, take some time and warm it with your hands…before it’s coming to the end."