Losing touch

So I am completely manic right now.

But I feel more sad about things than I ever have when I am manic…and it is the most psychotic feeling.

It is really scary, because I’m using the word psychotic literally.

I feel like I am losing my mind.

I slept for 3 hours last night, which was the first time I slept since I got two hours on saturday.

Today is tuesday.

I have been black out drunk every single day since early November.

This is insane.

I am losing my mind.

I mean really though.

I hate it…I FUCKIG HATE IT when people try to talk to me about why I shouldn’t be depressed.

BECAUSE I AM NOT DEPRESSED.

I am just losing my mind, and you can’t really talk someone out of  something like this I don’t think…because I have been to therapists since I was 6 years old, and on medications since twelve, and then a drug addict since thirteen, with rehabs and detoxes and all sorts of wonderful awesome great things where they can really help you with your problems…

 

I drink so much because I’m crazy and it at least numbs the fear I feel about the entire world, just feer and anger and sadness and loathing…I mean, I am ready at al times for anyone I know to just turn around and fuck me over. And I’m not saying I’m really expecting everyone too, but at this point it’s just not shocking anymore you know?

 

I can’t do it.

I think it’s all fucking stupid. It’ all so retarded. Really think about your life, I mean sit back and even think about the entire world. Society. What are we doing? What the fuck are we doing?

And that is not a rhetorical question, please for the love of God explain to me what we as a species are doing with this one chance to exist as who you particularly are…and what the fuck are we doing?

 

I need answers, maybe that’s why therapy doesn’t help, I don’t want answers on how to quit drinking, and I don’t want to learn fucking "Coping tools" because if it isn’t amazingly clear to everyone, I have that one that I quite enjoy…I WANT TO KNOW WHY WE EVEN NEED COPING MECHANISMS IN THE FIRST PLACE!

FUCK!

 

I’m losing my shit, and repelling people, and….I just….it doesn’t really hurt that bad.

Alone doesn’t hurt.

 

And even when I’m in a room feel of people I feel alone.

I can talk and laugh and be witty and charming…

but I just…

Maybe I’m just a sociopath or something.

 

That could actually make a lot of sense.

 

I dunno…I don’t care what this sounds like to anyone, but I have literally just cried every day for the last three weeks because I don’t know what to do anymore, and even when I was sober for so long in AA I didn’t get it…

 

My mom told me that once when I was a few years old I told her I wished I had never been born…

 

I’ve always felt this way I guess.

 

I don’t get it.