I want to be an American Terrorist. (Edit)

First, I just need to figure out how to start a health care provider company.

This isn’t going to be a "poor me, I can’t afford health care and they are all tyrannical crooks and they should all burn blah blah blah" tea bag activist kind of thing.

Although…I can’t afford health insurance, and they are tyrannical crooks, and they should all burn…just not until I get the chance to be one of them.

I think these assholes are fucking brilliant.

The only thing I feel is jealousy that I’m on the outside looking in.

This is the way I see it, and I might be wrong…but I think that it’s this big conspiracy and it’s amazing…truly amazing.

So…

The first step is to make health care really expensive. I mean, let’s face it, way too expensive for something that you are not going to be using every month. Unless you have aids or cancer or something…or you are fucking old. I dunno, most healthy people don’t need to take advantage of health insurance on a monthly basis. I guess that was redundant because if they did they wouldn’t be "healthy people" right?

Then, we make the co-payments also extremely expensive…most likely because your plan sucks. And even the worst plans are out my price range at the moment.

The genius hasn’t even hit yet though…this is where it starts to get brilliant to me.

You start throwing shows at people like "The Doctors" and "Dr. Oz".

Now, I haven’t seen these shows, but I see the advertisements for the upcoming episodes and they usually go something along the line of, "Dr. Oz will reveal the most giant killer fuck you up ever epidemic in the history of the entire human fucking species!!!!" then it cuts to a clip of Dr. Oz who very seriously announces to the camera, "And chances are…YOU ALREADY HAVE IT!"

OH MY GOD!

SERIOUSLY OH MY GOD!

And it’s fantastic because every new episode somehow seems to have the worst epidemic ever.

We as Americans are literally being bombarded with THE WORST DISEASE OF ALL TIME on a daily fucking basis!

That’s so horrifying!

Then, there is this panel of "Doctors" on the show "THE DOCTORS!" ( At least they claim to be doctors. They don’t really hang their credentials around the studio or anything I don’t think, but hey…they are in scrubs so that’s good enough for me.) And I’m not quite sure what they do because their previews are not quite as epic as the great Dr. Oz…but I’m sure they sit and tell you about a ton of things that are probably wrong with you.

So now you have all of these women sitting around at home all day (and women worry all the time, sorry if that sounds sexist, but I have known a lot of women and I have known a lot of guys…sorry girls, in my experience you all worry A LOT more.) worrying about all of these plagues that are attacking their families.

Then I guess there is also me sitting at home…but I don’t want to talk about it.

BACK OFF!

Anyway…

So they get this idea in their head that everything is trying to kill them. What happens next? Well…I’m guessing this is where http://www.webmd.com comes in.

Webmd is FUCKING AWESOME!

Who needs medical school when you can diagnose yourself?

WOO!

But now that you have diagnosed yourself, you need to go to a doctor…awwww man, but where is the money going to come from?

Now these bitches are all depressed because money is tight and the economy is bad, and whenever they try to tell their husbands they need money to go fix their family and fight off the WORST EVER NASTY KILLING HORRIBLE EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE disease, their husbands tell them that they worry too much.

But luckily, their husbands have seen commercials for anxiety medicine when they sit infront of the tv after they get off from work.

Thank god for those anxiety medication commercials, because now the husband knows what to go and TELL THE DOCTOR TO DO FOR HIS WIFE!

Which is great, because I personally don’t think doctors go through enough schooling…they seem like they kind of know what they are doing, but they just aren’t there yet.

So, the husband talks to the wife about how he thinks she worries too much. This leads the wife to start an argument with him about how she’s not crazy, and he never listens.

The next week involves barely getting the kids ready for school, and then spending the rest of the afternoon on the couch in a her bath robe, curled up in the fetal position and nursing a pint of ice cream.

She doesn’t understand what she did wrong…maybe she isn’t a good enough wife?

Maybe she isn’t a good enough mom?

All she wanted to do was save her family…

Until one morning, when fate shines upon her, and she sees a commercial for Abilify in between her bouts of medical counseling shows.

Suddenly she is able to go to her husband and apologize, and explain to him that they need to explain to their doctor that they say a commercial that told her exactly what was wrong with her. Plus, they used neutral pastel purples, and a woman actor that they could really relate to.

Suddenly they are really stoked, so they go down to their doctor.

She gets her abilify, suddenly she’s not so crazy and when she goes to the husband again about the GIANT FUCK OFF YOUR ALL DEAD disease, he really listens and understands, because she must not be crazy anymore.

But now suddenly the husband is worried that his family is going to die. But luckily he remembers the anxiety commercial.

So he gets on anxiety medication.

Now that the two of them are clear headed and thinking rationally on drugs, they are able to reach a mutual decision that Dr. Oz IS INDEED right about the fact that their family is going to die every single day of their lives, and they take them all in for a round of vaccines and anal probes and turn and coughs and DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS and stomach bands, and a kit of at home syringes…

 

And they are happy.

And the doctors are happy.

But most of all, their health care provider is REALLY happy.

 

…

 

Now, I don’t know if they are all in this together or not, but as far as I am concerned, the ground work has already been laid out. I just need to find a way to get people to trust me with their health.

I’m going to need some scrubs.

Oh…and a business loan.

But I think the scrubs will help me get that loan.

 

 

(Edit)

I would just like to point out that immediately after finishing this entry I went and turned on the tv. The first thing that came on was a commercial for Childhood depression, asking me to evaluate if my child has had a sudden "Change in tempermant blah blah blah".

Dude…SHE IS FUCKING FIVE YEARS OLD! 

And she’s a girl.

Yeah…her mood is gonna change.

hahaha.

Everything is so fucking retarded.