I love to smoke meth.

Why do I love to smoke meth so much?

Well, let me tell you.

First of all it’s a super great rush. It’s like riding on a roller coaster while you are having sex with three women and a dude unprotected, while the back of the roller coaster catches on fire, and you are shooting a gun wildly into the air, and eating a fucking lasagna to yourself.

Except I don’t like to eat anymore.

That’s another great reason why I like meth.

I used to weigh…well, it’s embarassing so I don’t want to say for sure, but let’s just say if you rounded up it would be three hundred and I’m only 5’5.

Now I weigh 102 and I am looking better than ever.

I miss lasagna, I miss lasagna a super lot. But that’s the only thing I miss about eating, and I just counter-act that by making a lasagna once a day. I still get to look at it and smell it and man it looks and smells great.

Sometimes I will go to Italian restaraunts and just order a water and look at everyone elses food and feel bad for them that they can’t just enjoy the smells the way I do…eating is such a lowly human act.

I also like smoking meth because I don’t have to sleep.

Sleep is something that has always bothered me.

I have sleep apnia so I have to sleep sitting up, and I also have night terrors, so I usually end up getting up, screaming, and come disconnected from my machine, which should wake me up, but I’m a really deep sleeper.

The doctors said I am lucky I’m still alive.

Lucky?

You bet your ass I’m lucky!

I’m the happiest guy ever! I don’t have to worry about stupid sleep apnia anymore, I am looking fierce and fab, and my house is sparkling clean all the time.

Which brings me to another point, meth was really helping me clean and get my work done. I work for the mayor’s office on the anti-drug coallition, so you can imagine the amount of paper-work I have to go through on a daily basis. That paired with my two children, and the fact that my wife killed herself for reasons that are still unkown (she didn’t leave a suicide note, one day the kids and I came back from the fair and we just found her in the bathtub, wrapped up in a shower curtain, and blood everywhere…tragic.) meth is a great help for keeping on top of the 2010-man-on-the-go lifestyle I keep up with.

The kids love lasagna by the way.

They are getting kind of fat…I’m going to wait until they are at least in high-school before I start putting them on meth.

Anyway, I think meth gets a bad rap in this country. But you know what? Most of the bad things said about meth are coming out of the mouths of people who are not constantly smoking meth!

It’s retarded.

I smoke meth exactly three times a day, I just replaced the square meals thing with…haha, well crystal meth. And I am here to tell you it’s the miracle drug. Not like all those other evil drugs, crack, heroin, and pot, that my office and I are working so hard (me, around the clock hehe) to get off of our streets and get those dirty "users" into prison cells where they can’t hurt anyone again.

I guess this is somewhat of a public service announcement.

If you haven’t tried meth, or even thought about the benefits, go find some! Smoke it! You will love it!

You might say to yourself, "I don’t know where to find meth."

Well look around!

Is there someone in your neighborhood that has everything you have ever dreamed of and more?

Go knock on their door, I’m sure the secret to their success is meth, and I’m duely sure that they would be more than happy to share a little with you, and point you in the direction of finding more.

I’m saying this to you random people on the internet as a friend.

I don’t even know you, but lately, despite my past and the horrible things that may have happened, my children and I are finding happiness and I owe it all to this little blessing called meth, and I see you all as my friends.

I want you to share in my happiness.

I want to climb to the top of a mountain and just shout out at the top of my lungs, "THANK YOU METH!"

…just typing that got me a little choked up.

I leave you with this my friends.

God bless.