I am too empathetic and it is what’s killing me.

I have always just assumed that I am a cold person because of all the anger I have towards people as a species.

But if I’m so cold, then why do I get so passionate about things?

I think I’ve found out just tonight that I’m not cold, I’m angry.

And I’m angry because I am too empathetic. And I don’t mean in the whole "shoulder to cry on" way.

But I have always wondered why there are certain people I can’t stand to be in a room with and everyone else seems to be able to handle it.

How come I can instantly tell if someone is feeling bad without them saying a word? And why do I try to surround myself with people who always seem to be laughing? How come I can snap in and out of moods so quickly, and why do I ALWAYS know when someone is lying to me?

Since junior high I started hearing that some people could "read people". I didn’t really know what to think of it…I kind of thought it was a bunch of hippie bullshit, but then I started noticing that as I got older I was able to get a very fast and usually accurate feeling about someone, about whether I could trust them, whether I would like them, if they were smart or stupid, genuine or faking it.

But then I kept getting burned by people I thought I could trust…so I guess I’m not really "reading".

I’m just feeling.

I realised it tonight when I was at my moms house…my step dad got home and he was just fucking pissed off for some reason, he is always pissed off…I get that, but I tried to say hi to him twice and got absolutely zero response.

That didn’t even bother me so much…but as he would walk around I just started to get so uncomfortable, and it started to build to the point where I was in a bad mood. And it felt heavy…it felt like something I needed to get away from NOW!

It’s been an hour since I left their house and I’m starting to feel better…and on the drive I started to think about why it is that when Rachael and Echo and my mom and some dude that Jeff was talking to all seemed perfectly fine being in that house, I was sitting there over-saturated with this feeling that seemed to be in the air just as surely as someone can feel humidity.

Then I started to realise that maybe this is "the noise" or "The other thing" that is so real but I can’t explain.

And suddenly I realised that when I’m drunk I can’t feel other peoples attitudes anymore…and maybe that’s why I seem like such a dick all of the sudden when I’m drunk, suddenly if I hurt someone’s feelings I don’t HAVE to feel their stupid hurt fucking feelings.

So now I’m sitting here wondering what the hell to do…there’s a lot more going on in my head right now about this whole thing, it’s probably just stupid.

I probably can’t really pick up on anything, I don’t even know if I believe in shit like that.

I mean, I believe in energy that people can put off and all…but I don’t know if I believe I feel it anymore than anyone else does.

But at the same time I kind of do believe that I feel it more than most people…so I don’t even know what to think.

It would make sense though. Why I hate almost everyone. Why I can have these super quick mood changes that make perfect sense to me but not to other people and they can’t be explained using logic and words.

 

I mean…I can be in a perfectly fine mood, suddenly someone who is just pissed off walks in and the next thing I’m pissed off. Not at that person, I’m just actually genuinely pissed off and I don’t really even know why. I can’t explain why anyway…I can’t sit and be like, "Oh yeah, this and this and my day was shit."

The best I can explain is "Well, you walked in and now I’m pissed because you’re pissed."

A – no one wants to hear that

B – Being pissed off just because someone else is pissed off not only sounds like a lie, like I don’t want to talk about what’s really bothering me or something, but it also just sounds stupid. Just plain stupid.

Yet there it is.

So, either I’m stupid, or I’m lying that I can pick up on these things to a degree that bothers me.

I guess there is the possibility that I really am psychotic and the docs got it right…but I am 100% convinced that this is not the case. The medications, all of them, made me feel worse than before I was on them. I know I’m not crazy.

 

If I’m right about this empathy thing, then that really would explain why I seem so erratic. Why I’m always so angry. Why I simply just don’t like some people and can’t stand to be around them. It would explain this noise that is always going on in me…I always thought it was in my head, but now I don’t think it is, I think the noise is everywhere, and that’s why it hurts so bad when I’m feeling the shitty run off of other people.

I’ve literally felt crippled by it before.

Even tonight, I didn’t want to move, I just wanted to sit there and try to deal with the suffocating feeling of some huge asshole being an asshole, just sitting and stewing and fuming in negativity.

 

Fuck.

 

But now what?

 

If this is the case how do I fix it?

Can I?

 

Fuck it.

 

Heads back, bottoms up, cheers people.