Enough cryptic bullshit already.

Since I was young I have always been something to abuse. I don’t remember a whole lot of it, but apparently my dad used my mom and I as his punching bag more than a few times too many. After my parents split up my mom continued the tradition by herself.

I remember some of the sexual abuse.

I remember one of the neighbor boys making me drink his piss after sucking on his cock…that was fun.

I got beat up a lot in school.

Made fun of a lot.

It made me really angry…at some point I started getting bigger than the other kids and it was time for payback.

That didn’t work well in my favor because I was missing the technique of discretion that enabled all of the other people to get away with the shit I was trying to pull.

Growing up I read a lot. I was really smart. In second grade we were supposed to bring books in for reading time and the book I brought in was Jurassic Park. I remember my teacher telling me I couldn’t read a book like that because I didn’t understand it. I remember looking at her thinking, "What the fuck are you talking about? I know exactly what’s going on in this book and it’s awesome."

It turns out that people don’t like smart people. I got to learn this lesson the hard way…that’s where a lot of the getting beaten up thing came into play.

So…I faked it.

I just started to play dumb.

This lead to falling in with "The wrong crowd" which caused trouble because we caused trouble.

I finally came to the conclusion that I could stop faking it and actually become stupid with drugs. It kind of worked. Except now I am smart enough to realise that I am not as sharp as I once was…so there is a healthy amount of self resentment happening. There is nothing quite like the feeling of anger towards yourself for fucking up your own life willingly.

It feels like a botched suicide in a certain way.

I have never fit in anywhere. I probably never will…but it’s really lonely.

Everyone thinks I am this social butterfly but what they don’t see is that I’m just playing the odds. If I can review enough people then maybe I can find someone or somewhere that doesn’t make me feel like a stranger in a strange land.

There are people who share elements and outlooks…I don’t have any beliefs so I can’t really share that with anyone, and I don’t swear off beliefs either…I don’t even feel a kinship with the people who "know that they don’t know anything."

But I don’t think I can fit in anywhere. I mean…I hate math but let’s use this as an example; If you are trying to solve a math problem then you can not afford even one mistake along the way or else it will all come out wrong.

I am that mistake.

I truly believe that.

I know that my girlfriend loves me. I know that she is not cheating on me. But I feel like I am just going to make the answer to her problem incorrect.

She has been doing the work and doesn’t realise she forgot to carry me over or something.

I don’t know.

And it’s dumb because I can’t talk to her about it all without pushing her away. And there is nothing she can say or do to make me feel otherwise. And it’s not that she isn’t saying or doing the right things…that’s not even the case. She is saying and doing all of the right things…but there is no magic word or action that can instantly shake away the twenty five year layer of disgust, rage, and sense of failure that I feel towards myself.

I’m the guy who is in the lead of a race and then just stops running a few feet from the finish line.

I have put a lot of time and energy into a lot of things, and I have nothing to show for it because I can’t ever let myself have anything good. It’s this mental block I have put on myself. And I know that I have, but I have made it such an artform that I don’t even realise I am doing it until it’s too late.

I am great at putting myself in a situation that could just be amazing…and I’m better at fucking it up a short time afterwards.

I feel like I’m already fucking up this relationship that I have, and I hate it. And I haven’t fucked it up yet…but since I feel like I have started I just sit here and beat myself up, and beating myself up just keeps the cycle going.

It’s a cruel joke. I’m the one making the joke and I’m also on the shit end of it.

The worst part is the self awareness I have of it all.

It’s like the OCD guy who flips the light switches over and over and doesn’t know why he has to do it, but he can’t stop flipping the god damn switch.

I was diagnosed as OCD by two different shrinks.

Maybe I should try getting medicated for it…my mom never believed them because I don’t sit there and count things or have weird ticks like that.

One guy told me that I have obsessive compulsive thought patterns…it makes sense. Maybe that is what is wrong with me. I get stuck in these thought patterns and as ridiculous and damaging as I know it is, I can’t pull myself out of it.

…

Holy shit.

I think I might have just realised what is wrong with me.

I keep saying I have tried everything, but the ocd thing is something that has been instantly dismissed and I’ve never tried to remedy it.

Hmmm.

…I think I need to look into this.

It’s time to let go of the idea that I am worthless. I want to. I want to let Rachael just love me. Fuck…I would love to let ANYONE love me.

I’m sick of arguing with people about why they shouldn’t care about me. I even try to talk my parents out of it.

They might not like me, but I’m sure they love me…I don’t know why. And even now as I’m saying I have to change all of these things, the mere thought of someone loving me is followed with an "I don’t know why".

 

Even today I was talking to Rachael about how worthless I feel and how I don’t think I belong. She asked me, "Do my opinions even matter?"

My reply was, "Yes…but I don’t understand them."

 

And that is the honest truth.

Whenever anyone says something nice or good about me, I can usually act very cocky and do the whole "I KNOW! I AM AWESOME!" which comes into the faking it, or I can be polite and thank them like I’m supposed to…but my real internal reaction is, "Have you seen me? Do you know me? Are you fucking stupid? There is nothing salvagable about this…this thing that I am."

I mean…sometimes I will even get the whole, "Thank god you are funny or else I wouldn’t be able to put up with you."

Sometimes funny can be replaced with good looking…

I don’t even think that can be taken as a compliment though.

What good is being smart, or good looking, or funny if you just sit around hating yourself?

I’m not even good looking anyway, I’m hairy as shit, I have a big head, I have a dumb half jew-half native american stupid nose, I’m gett

ing old and fat and my gums are receeding so my teeth are probably going to fall out soon, and have this big ass stupid lips, plus I have dandruff like a mother fucker here in Salt Lake to the point where even the skin around  my beard flakes off. Oh yeah…and if I don’t shave every god damn fucking day I have a five o’clock shadow that would make ZZ top jealous.

So fuck.

I could have been smart too. If I would have stuck it out through all of the public school bullshit and not tried to kill my brain, I could probably be winning some nobel piece prize bullshit. I will say with no ounce of pretention that I have taken three IQ tests before the mental suicide began and I have been told three times that I am will above the qualifying points for genius level.

Great.

So I’m a fucking genius…that has really seemed to help life work out for me.

Fucking christ.

I wish I could just be happy with the MTV and the fucking twitter and facebook.

I wish the most important thing to me was just getting laid and driving an expensive car.

I wish I liked football and rap music and watching the Jersey shore and entourage and reading people magazine and drinking soda and working nine to five and going to school and playing the dumb fucking game that everyone else seems to be perfectly fucking happy with.

My life would be a lot easier.

But I don’t.

I’m not hip enough to be a hipster even.

I’m just this freak.

I am a god damn monster masquerading as a man.

I try to tell myself that maybe I’m wrong…and people try to tell me I’m wrong. But sooner or later everyone sees it.

 

"Gather your army for the war, this holy land has been spoken for, now cover your eyes for all you see is an aboration. Gather your dead from me, I’ve kept them somewhere safe, letting them roam in the light of this full moon’s concecration.
               Welcome to the ugly side of all you’ve ever known. Your beauty may find solace here or a place to sit upon the festered throan of thieves and whores and creeps, the things that make your children screem, I’m sure you’d like it here if you just altered your mind.

But of all the jewels in mothers treasures, I was not to be forgotten like this… "