Dane vs. Dane

So…this whole civil war on drinking.

I don’t know if I am technically winning, or technically losing…because it’s me versus me…

But monday – shithoused

Tuesday – really shithoused

wednesday – I got to go home early and was passed out by 2:30 with a pint of Vodka in me

…I did however finally put together the basic outline for the new EP I am going to start recording with Mr. Reed of Via Secret Dramatrons and Ache.

I will probably see if Brett wants to lay down some bass too, because he is the master-basser. But he doesn’t really return my texts anymore, so I don’t know if that is going to work out so well. I don’t feel too bad about it, because he kind of doesn’t return anyones texts or calls, but still…I don’t think he would be down.

I am also going to see if Alec wants in on it, mostly to just make him feel included. I don’t know if there is really much for him to do seeing as how we are going to be doing all of the drums electronically, and Mr. Reed will be doing all the keyboards, and I will be doing all the guitar and the vocals, and Brett (maybe) will be laying down the bass.

Alec will probably want to do backup vocals and guitar…which, I love it when he sings with me live, but recorded…his voice is pretty hit or miss. And he pretty much just kind of dabbles in guitar. I mean, he has written a few cool riffs and stuff, but anything he could add to the EP as far as a guitar goes would honestly, as rude as this sounds, take away from the project.

So, I don’t know what is going to happen with that. I mostly just want to include him because I know he will throw a fit if I put the song, "All my friends are dead. (A love story)" on the album because we apparently wrote it together…although, I came up with the entire song structure, the vocal melody, and the lyrics…he kind of just noodled on the guitar and sang a little bit behind me. And we happened to be hanging out when the song came into existence.

I guess that constitutes co-writing…or something.

I mean, Yoko WAS one of the Beatles…ha

I dunno…my drinking is getting really shitty again.

I have the shakes again…I also have this thing that happens, that not a lot of alcoholics like to talk about publicly because it is anything than pretty, where until about 3:00 in the afternoon I will be sitting at my desk and my stomach will make these HORRIBLE loud noises. It’s kind of like when your stomach rumbles because you are hungry…except ten times louder and it’s incredibly uncomfortable. And it feels like you have to shit really bad. So you get up and go to the bathroom and basically all you do is piss out your ass a tiny bit, and the rest is just gas. And then you think to yourself "ah, I’m glad that’s out of the way" and you go back to your desk and twenty minutes later your stomach starts to rumble again, and keep rumbling, and you know that everyone around you can hear it and probably thinks you are a fucking weirdo because it happens to you pretty much every morning, so you go to the bathroom and repeat the process.

I usually do this about three or four times a day until I start drinking.

The only reason why I know it happens to other alcoholics is because after Alec kicked Heroin he began drinking hardcore (he has since cut back tremendously) but one day I brought up how this was happening to me and he started laughing, "DUDE TOTALLY! I thought I was just weird or something!"

It made me feel better…mostly because misery loves company.

Yeah…anyway, so I woke up tonight after passing out (well, technically wednesday, you will probably be reading this on Thursday, if it’s not already Thursday in your time zone…) around 7:30 pm. I ate some pizza, and now I am on my fourth beer.

…the thing that really pisses me off about the way I drink, is that I don’t want to, I mean conciously I don’t want to. Mentally I don’t want to. My brain (at least the rational part) is telling myself that what I am doing is not only stupid, but dangerous, and I am in some pretty serious danger of fucking myself up long term. I mean…I have a feeling even if I stopped tomorrow, cold turkey, that when I get older I will be seeing some sort of risidual affects from the drinking I have been doing over the last few years.

But there is this other part of me that doesn’t care, it wants what it wants, and it is such a selfish part of me that not only does it hurt the people around me with no regard, it even hurts me! It is literally such a selfish part of me that I don’t even care about what happens to me because of it.

I mean…what the fuck?

This is what they don’t teach you in the DARE program. They don’t talk about the self loathing, they don’t talk about the battles with yourself that you go through on a daily basis. They don’t tell you about waking up at 6:00 am, drinking a glass of cold water, and immediately running to the bathroom as a stream of ice cold water and bile pours out from your stomach and out through your mouth, and how the only thing on your mind right afterwards is, "shit, if I am going to feel better I should have a drink."

They don’t teach you that when you kick hardcore narcotics, alcohol is not a healthy replacement.

They don’t talk about how your family will get so fed up with your self destruct behavior that it becomes in their best interest to just put you out of sight and out of mind to spare themselves the pain of watching the first born son slowly kill himself on a daily basis.

No one teaches you how to handle the lonely feelings you have when you are in a crowded room, or what you should do when even your alcoholic friends tell you they are sick of your drinking.

There is no talk of how it feels to check yourself out of detox and be shit faced two hours later and the crushing dissapointment you have for yourself the next morning, or the look in your moms eyes when she realizes there is truly nothing she can do to save you from yourself.

…

I’m having one more beer and taking a few sleeping pills, I slept too long today and I need sleep.

Thinking doesn’t seem to be my friend.