And here we are.

Twenty minutes until six in the morning.

I need to work an eleven hour shift tomorrow.

On thursday my Girlfriend woke me up…said she was leaving. Can’t trust me. Packed up her shit.

Told everyone I cheated on her.

When I finally said "If I can’t be a man enough, and if you need more out of life, then that is one thing. But going around telling people I cheated on you is just not fair."

Reply?

"You probably would have eventually."

Haha/

What was I thinking?

A kid?

A single mom?

I am not a man.

 

The best part is that I just found out yesterday that I have a bleeding ulcer.

It will probably need surgery.

I need to stop drinking and smoking.

I said, "Naw. It’s a fluke. The next time I throw up blood I will think about quitting drinking. But I think it’s just stress."

Well…

My mom tried to convince me that one in twenty people die from bleeding ulcers.

Honestly? I like those odds.

Drinking makes me feel good.

Sobriety and a stupid diet? Not so much.

I’m going to keep smoking.

I will keep drinking.

I’m already getting older and fatter than I thought I would.

Obviously I suck at relationships.

I am the one person in the world who can cheat without having sexx.

That’s kind of impressive right?

Maybe I just shouldn’t date girls who can see into the future.

Guess what my future is?

Spicy food.

Beer.

Vodka (that’s my new drink of choice.)

And…ummm. something else.

Oh yeah.

Having sex with people I have never had sex with!

Impressive?

I think so.

 

 _-MAJOR EDIT—-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Just kidding.

My (exx) didn’t wake me up at six thirty in the morning to tell me she was packing up and moving all of her shit out and she couldn’t trust me and that she was stupid to have even thought she could in the first place…

And it definitely didn’t happen because I went to a strip club

Maybe I did?

Yeah, I did.

With our band manager.

Some texxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxts about it…

It’s cool to look through peoples phones while they are asleep.

It’s also cool to have your "best friend" take you out on what I would call a DATE!

Dinner

Dessert

Drinks

Miniature golf

More drinks

It’s also cool to talk about him all the time and save mementos from him

Not like mentos.

It’s also cool for him to talk shit on you, and have him tell you to break up with me because I’m not rich enough to support you.

Then it’s cool to break up with me and then say you want to kick my ass on facebook.

It’s also cool to be completely drunk after throwing up blood for two days.

Not having health insurance is cool too.

Going to the grocery store and buying PREVACID instead of actually stopping a bleeding ulcer from burning through your stomach lining is cool too.

Making a bunch of fucking ghramatical edits because you are too drunk at sixx in the morning is also cool.

Wow.

My mom told me that when I was five I told her I had "wished I was never born…"

 

Twenty one years later it seems I’m in the same place I started.

 

I need to write out a list of my apologies.

I really am sorry.

To a lot of people.

How do you stay five years old for so long?

 

I’m sorry about my impending death.

I’m sorry I’m not going to do anything to fix it.

I’m not sorry though.

I will be sorry when I can’t afford the pain medication.

This is what I have always wanted.

Isn’t it?

I worked hard for this.

Really hard.

None of you can actually believe that this much drinking, and that much drug use….could really have been fun.

I mean…

There is fun.

And there is addiction.

And then there is REALLY being dragged down.

And then there is proving a point.

And then there is REALLY proving a point.

And then there is KILLING yourself…

And then there is REALLY KILLING YOURSELF…

And then there is being five years old, and telling your mother you wish you had never been born…which you don’t actually remember, but apparently it happened on the way to church.

And then…

Then there is really wishing you had never been born.

And then there is being too pussy to really kill yourself.

And then there is the slow death.

And…

And then…

There is not a god damn person that can save you if you don’t want saving.

 

…And here we are.