For my old friend, who needs a laugh.

How to Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop
pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle
cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a
count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe.  Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold  front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by
cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking
straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink a
beer to take taste away. Apply
Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck,
to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick
pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot of
scotch, drink.  Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date
of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to
disinfect. Toss back another
shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12.Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty
pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by
large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically
and pour 2 pints of waterdown throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call
furniture shopon way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

                                 Compliments of ‘Arys’ .. a beauty rare with hair down to there ..