“You don’t have to understand here to be here”

– from tv show Life.

  I’m still here.  I got fired from my job.  Still haven’t been able to find a new one yet.  Don’t know what I’m going to do.  I wish I knew what to do with my life.  But nothing is making sense anymore.  I’m lonely alot lately.  I don’t really talk to anyone anymore.  The last friend I had here in town I got into a fight with about a month ago.  We haven’t really spoken since, except for me asking her to return my House season 2 when she gets the chance.

  Now that I look back on it though, it was bound to happen sooner or later.  I’m not sure what our relationship, either as friends or when we were going out, was based on.  When we were going out (which was years ago) I thought it was based on love.  Until I found out she was high most of the time she was with me, and using the gas money I was giving her (since I didn’t have a car of my own at the time) to buy drugs instead.  So, I’m not even sure why she went out with me in the first place.  At the end of the relationship she was paying more attention to some other guy who turned out to be an a-hole anyway.

  As friends, well, I don’t really know what our relationship was based on.  It just took me awhile to realize that we have different priorities.  Those that I call true friends become like family to me, so they also become important to me where I’ll be there for them, no matter what.  Doesn’t matter if I’m supposed to work that day or had plans to run errands or go out or whatever, if they need me I’m there.  But I’ve found that while many people like to say they feel the same way about their friends, most of them don’t actually follow up on those words.  It was the same with her.  When she needed me I made sure I was there.  When I needed her there was too much other stuff going on in her life for me to be important.  People always have a choice in what they do, the time they devote to others, and I’m finding that many people have very superficial relationships.  They talk a good game about their relationships, but when push come to shove they’re not there to deliver.

My supposed "friends" at work have pretty much stopped talking to me.  I’m not sure what to do half the time.  I know I’m depressed, but I can’t seem to do much about it.  I just try to get along as best I can each day.  I know that alot of people that I’ve talked to say that I can always call them or talk to them, but really many of them are busy with their own lives, their own happiness.  I can’t blame them.  I just wish I could meet some true friends here in town.  That I wouldn’t have to deal with distances with the only people left that seem to care.  My family helps as much as they can.  But there is only so much they can do.

  I’ve never felt this lost and I’m not sure when or if its going to get any better.

-Damien