…the moment they told about in high school…

…when Algebra would save our lives."

-Red Planet

  Good day to all.  Its my birthday.  Another year gone.  I’m not sure what to think of it though. I seemed to be doing alright on my own until I lost my job.  Now I’m not sure of anything.  Sometimes I think about going to school to learn something new.  I thought about learning about computer networking and servers, thought about learning to be an electrician, thought about learning to be a paramedic.

  All these are probably fine, but the problem is me.  I’m nowhere near where I thought I’d be at this age.  Which I know is not unusual but still.  I’ve failed an attempt at more than one thing in my life.  I know I’m getting older and when I think about trying some new life path I worry about failing again.  It gets harder to deal with failing major choices the older I get.  I know I need to do something.  I just wish I knew I was good enough.  That sounds a little pathetic though.

  Okay, another way to see this may be music.  I used to play violin, started in 6th grade and played all the way up to being with a city symphony in college.  When I first started, of course I dreamed about becoming this world known violinist.  As I got older I realized something though.  I had some talent, just not enough.  One of my best friends in high school orchestra with me said something about it once.  We talked about it once and he said that I was a better natural than he was.  He played and practiced the notes and the beat and was able to play them awesome.  I knew I didn’t practice as much as he did.  But he said that I picked up things quicker and played with more feeling than he ever did.  Now fast foward to when I was playing with the symphony.  I saw the concert master (the lead violinist) play and I knew that no matter how much I practiced I could never play like he did.  He just had more natural talent than I would ever have.

   The other way I think about it is the Stark idea.  There’s the character Tony Stark, a.ka. Iron Man in the Marvel comics.  Stark is a genius, able to create amazing technology.  He was born a genius and able to think at a genius level.  Now, someone that was not born a genius could study all their life, but its a fair bet they’ll never be able to think as fast or create as advanced technology as Stark.  Yes, I know that Tony Stark is a fictional character, but the logic behind it still applies.

  I’d love to be a genius like Stark, but I don’t even have much of a head for math much less quantum mechanics or applied engineering.  I want to do something with my life, I want to be good at something.  Problem is I’ve been a writer and a dreamer all my life.  That’s something I’ve been since I was born.  Its fine to dream, but logic must prevail in real life.  I just don’t want to try something that I really can’t do just because I dream that I can do it.  I want to be able to do something because I really can do it.  I don’t mind putting in hard work, stress, sleepless hours.  I just want it to be for something real, not for something I fail because I dreamed I could do it instead of being realistic about doing it.

  This is what goes on in my head pretty often.  All my life I’ve dreamed of all the things I wanted to be, all the things I could be if only.  Trying to figure out what I should be, what I really can be turns out to be a lot harder.

  Well, I think I’ve doomed and gloomed enough.  In honor of my birthday, I will put forth the wish that I’ve done my past birthdays on OD.  Asking for nude and topless pictures from my female readers (actually I think all of my regular readers are female).  My email is on the front page of my diary.  Any and all pictures would be greatly appriciated and treasured, and of course would make this day better than my somewhat depressing entry.  Good day to all.

-Damien