How quick

what one says can change when they hear something they don’t like.

   I’ve talked about dating woes in the past, most of us have them.  That’s nothing new.  But as time goes on I find myself more and more discouraged by the people around me.  Maybe I ask for too much because I’ve spent so much time on personal introspection that I believe people have done the same themselves.  If one says something one would attempt to stick to it.  Of course we’re not all perfect.  We fall, we fail, we get put in situations we never would have thought we would.

  But maybe I’m also too paranoid.  I know how awful people can be.  I know how they can lash out, how things can be said.  I remember one ex told me she hated that I didn’t fight with her.  That I wouldn’t get into an argument.  I just believe that if someone or both people are mad, what’s the sense in continuing to talk.  Things are probably going to be said that one wouldn’t say if they were calm.  When things get too heated its best to stop the conversation and pick up only when it can be talked about calmly.

  I’ve been lied to, I’ve been decieved.  Many of us have.  We all handle it in different ways.  Some better than others.  Of course, when we have had past experiences its hard not to start to feel a certain way when someone else does something that reminds you of that experience.  Its not their fault, how are they supposed to know your entire dating history and what may bring back old memories.  I try not to do this to others, but I fail sometimes.  Its not always easy to forget old pains and hurts.  I probably failed today.  Even if some of my reasoning was practical, it doesn’t mean that a person in the present is like or will do things the same way as people in the past.  Sure they may say or do things that are eerily similar to people of the past, but that doesn’t give me the right to say they’re just like those people.

  However, I am concerned with one aspect as I’ve gotten older.  The subject of age.  Its amazing how when things are going well, people say that age is not a factor, that it doesn’t matter to them.  But when things go badly, they suddenly change their viewpoint.  That one can be too old for something or that one acts a certain way because they’re young and immature.  But many of us have seen people of all different ages ways that some percieve as older or younger than their physical age.  It is really just a number?  Why does it matter sometimes and not others.  Why do people say it doesn’t matter to them sometimes and make it matter other times?  On that why do people say things that direct a certain line of thinking or even give nicknames that go with that line of thinking then later say that’s not what they’re looking for.  That not what they’re after.  I know we sometimes have motivations that are buried deep inside so we sometimes don’t always understand what makes it like or want certain things.  I just wish it was less confusing.

  I know I also have problems with social situations.  I am not like other men, both by choice and by how I was raised.  But I know that sometimes causes problems.  People say you have to be aggressive to get what you want, that many women like aggressive men.  When is too aggressive, when is too little?  How do you tease someone or make a running joke instead of making something into an issue?  What is too sensitive and what is too callous?  Why do men have to figure out when they’re supposed to be either?  Or both or neither?  First it seemed to me like men were not supposed to show their feelings.  Then came a time when men were supposed to get in touch with their feelings.  Now its just confusing.

  I know also that I’m awkward.  I think its Smash Mouth that has a song about laughing at a funeral.  Sometimes my humor tends to be akward, I know that.  I make jokes in tense situations sometimes, sometimes at the worst time.  I’ve had people take me seriously about something I said as a joke more than once.  I’m not sure why I do that.  I know there are other people, both men and women that do that.  I don’t think they can explain it any better either. 

  But also, as I’ve gotten older I’ve come to know myself.  I know I make mistakes.  But I also know I have to stand by the things I believe in.  That sometimes I am too nice, people get used to that, and when I want their recoprication it comes as a surprise.  Its happened more than once and I won’t be surprised if it happens again.  Its partly my fault for letting people do that to me.  So as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to apologize for less.  We all do things, we all make mistakes, we all say things.  I will own up to what I have done wrong, but I will not apologize for what I believe I did with good reason.  Does this make me stubborn?  It probably does.  But at least I can say I stick to what I say.

  This probably doesn’t make much sense.  That’s okay.  I just needed to get it out.  We all need to get things out sometimes.

-Damien