By the power of Grayskull!

  – Hot Fuzz (not to mention its original use in the masters of the universe)

  I can’t believe its been two months since I’ve written last.  I wish I could say it was because I was off to new, exciting places with all the new friends I’ve made.  But really, its been more the opposite.  I haven’t written because I’ve felt the apathy that comes with both depression and loneliness. 

  I’m not saying I’ve gotten over either, but I’ve managed to push past apathy at least.  I’ve had alot on my mind lately.  Its been almost overwhelming.  And sometimes it still seems like that.  But I don’t know what else to do but keep moving forward.  I’m not going to school this semester.  A combination of my own school screwups and the mess that is my university brought this to a head recently and, as things are wont to do in my situation, it got even worse.  I think I wrote about it, but in any case I’m not attending school this semester and I’m not sure how smoothly the transition into next semester will go.

  I lost my job at the university.  It wasn’t really anyone’s fault.  Just the grant that I was hired under finally ran out and the center didn’t have any money to transfer into keeping my position going.  I did find a new job though.  Its nothing great and I’ll probably keep looking but its okay for now.  Its just data entry.  I go to work, sit down and type for my shift and then go home.  There are other people there, but most people seem to keep to themselves or already have their groups of friends.  I’ve never been very good at meeting people either.

  The job has better hours, but I get paid a little less than what I was getting paid before.  I’m trying to keep my head above water, but sometimes its frustrating not being able to buy things I want because there are things I need to take care of.

  Dating hasn’t really gone anywhere.  I’ve tried messaging a few different women on different dating sites, but no one has really gotten back to me.  I’ve never been very good at that first message though.  Any ideas on what to say?

  Also, I think I’ve just also been depressed because I seem to have lost all my friends.  I know that most of them are busy with new aspects in their lives and I’m happy for them, but its still lonely nevertheless.  Sometimes I get angry too.  I think of how often I changed my schedule or went out of my way to spend time with them, but when its the other way around, no one really has time for me.  But maybe that’s partly my fault too.  They’ve probably gotten used to me just being there no matter what.  Maybe I need friends who think of me more or maybe I need to figure out how to deal better with not having friends. 

  I think it also just hit me hard because right before all this things had been really good.  I was getting calls and messages from friends often.  I was seeing friends and going out.  I was even getting random naughty pics from some female friends.  I definately enjoyed the sexual aspect, but there was even more to it.  It let me know that someone was thinking of me.  That sort of thing, where something happens and one thinks ‘I can’t wait to tell this person about this’ or ‘this person would love this’ or ‘I bet this person would have something to say about this’  Its a feeling of being remembered, being thought about, and not being forgotten in the midst of all that happens in life. 

  I’ve also noticed that I get socially worse when I get lonely.  Like I’m desperate for human contact or something.  I leave people messages alot.  I offer advice and contact info in the hope that someone would want to talk to me.  They hardly ever do though.  Maybe I also come on too strong.  I’m not sure what people think when they read notes I leave or anything like that.  All of us want some connection or another.  I guess I just want it more than some others do.

  I’ve been trying to occupy myself in the meantime.  I read books, watch movies and tv on dvds, I play video games and computer games.  Anything that occupies my mind and gives me less time to think.  I’ve been trying to write more often, but that’s only been somewhat successful.  I’ve even sent out some of my work to some people.  I haven’t heard anything from any of them, but they’re probably busier than I am.

  Sometimes I wonder what it is about me too.  I know I’m not exactly the most attractive guy.  Maybe I’m too odd for most people.  Or too nerdy and geeky.  I don’t know.  I don’t see any reason to pretend I’m someone else though.  Or to deny some part of myself so I can pretend I’m happy.  I know too many others that have done that and sooner or later pretending to be happy doesn’t work anymore.  I know I’m not the best person or friend, but I do try.  At least I think I do.  I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong. 

  In any case, this is what has been going on with me.  I’ll try to write more often.  Though I’m exactly sure what I’ll be writing about.  But its probably better than apathy.

Damien