Blimey

  I’m so tired.  I want to go back to sleep.  But who knows if it would do any good.  I woke up sometime in the early morning hours and I couldn’t get back to sleep for awhile.  Needless to say, when I had to get up for work today, I did not feel well rested.  I haven’t felt all that great lately.  I don’t know what it is though.  I haven’t been sleeping well lately.  I wish my sleeping cycle would change again and I could get back to having somewhat normal sleeping patterns.  I just feel dissatisfied with life.  And I wish that my family would just leave me alone.  When I was younger and used to go through my depressive states, when I had bad days at school, whenever alot of stuff happened my family barely noticed.  When I wanted their support it wasn’t there and when I’d try and ask for it, all I’d get is critisicsm, like having a bad day was somehow my fault.  So I got used to handling it on my own, after all what realistic choice did I have?  Now, they’re all bothering me with their ‘what’s wrong’ and ‘what’s going on’ and ‘you can talk to me about anything’.  I just feel like yelling in their faces, ‘you’re too late!’ but I doubt it would do any good.  Now their "support" just annoys me further.  I don’t want them pestering me, I want to be left alone to deal with things like I always have.  I don’t know what I wish for.  Rather, I do know but I don’t know how to put it into words.  I want something more out of life, I want something greater than this.  Right now I think I just want a moment like in Elf, where Jovi and Buddy are ice skating and she kisses him.  I want a hottie like Zooey Deschanel to kiss me, hell I want Zooey Deschanel to kiss me.  But its not going to happen, any of it.  Nothing is going to change.  I’m just going to keep bumbling along through life and dealing with whatever comes along.

-Damien