An Instant of Pain…

…and that’s all it would take.  That’s what kept going through my mind the first and last time I contemplated sucide.  I was lying on the floor in the den, barechested with a 6 inch knife in that spot that’s right in the puncture area of your heart, but out of the area of any bone getting in the way.  I used to have a dot there from where the knife point had cut into my skin as I thought about it.  In the end I didn’t do it.

  Days like these I think a dirt nap wouldn’t be so bad.  No, I’m not thinking of killing myself.  I’ve decided that sucide is the coward’s way out of life.  Does it make me brave that I decided not to, no, just stubborn.  It hasn’t been a good day, despite all my attempts to the contrary.  I don’t know what it is about today, I don’t know if its because some of my best friends aren’t doing too well lately either and I’m just feeling from their emotions or something else.  I have a headache right now.  I know its probably not going to go away any time soon.  Its times like these that I wish I could just disappear into the world, begin living a new life, just like that. 

  This morning just started out with family annoyance, but I knew it was something deeper as my day progressed.  I do think that I’d be less stressed and be able to get more done if I lived away from family.  It just frustrates, even angers me that in order to do that, at the present moment, I’d have to commit myself to scraping along for an unknown amount of time.  I get financial aid for school and I have a student job, but even with those, there’s no way I could live on my own without living paycheck to paycheck.  The light at the end of the tunnel is that when I go to graduate school it has to be out of town.  The university here just does not have the resources, professors, or specifications for my major.  I’ll probably be heading to either California or New York for film school, but that’s probably another couple years in the future.  Until then I just have to make do, get from day to day.

  Every day I wish for something more than the life I have now.  Every day I also realize that nothing is going to change any time soon.  In any case I think I’m going to fall asleep on my office floor until its time to get a ride home.  Good eve to all.

-Damien