A word or two…

“All the world is trying to be famous, but I’m just trying to be myself.”

Good eve to all. It’s been quite a past few days. I hardly know where to speak. I’ve already started with the entry I wrote yesterday. But, as it always seems in my life, there’s a dark side to all this. I’ve written about my “Tenchi Complex” before, but I’ve never expected things to go as they have. Out of all my friends and close people in my life only a few have given me heartfelt congrats. I’m not expected people to jump cartwheels. As it is, both Rinoa and I had to hurt people when we made the decision to get together. Neither of us wanted to do so, but it was what we had to do for us to be together without anyone else in the equation. To do less wouldn’t have been fair to us or to anyone else involved. When Krillen and I created the Tenchi complex it was amusing, funny even. But as time went on it became less and less funny. I had so much love to give and no one would, could, or wanted to commit. I don’t blame or accuse anyone for their reasons. All of them were legit in one way or another. I’ve felt the same things. I don’t drive so that’s cut down on my ability to do things with people. That’s my fault. My inablity to do so has probably made a few people along the way feel bad or not as loved as they should be. I just don’t understand what I was to do. Lie to people? Make like everything is fine and just go on slipping more and more into my own darkness. Despite the love and care that they all offered, it still wasn’t enough in some way or another. Cause they weren’t there. Cause they couldn’t be. Cause they shouldn’t be. All types of different reasons. But they all had the same result. I still felt lonely, depressed, full of rage and hate and anger. I still just wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep. And why? Because you can’t think in your sleep. Cause the peanut gallery in your mind can’t remind you that you’re all alone. That there’s no one that loves you enough to be there with you. If those thoughts are rational or not is not the point to that little voice. If they don’t make sense, it doesn’t matter to that voice. You still hear it anyway. I was feeling so bad, so depressed, so much like crying and sleeping most of the day away. And when I finally found love what else am I supposed to do? Turn away from it to make everyone else happy? I’ve given and given so much to other people and many times haven’t recieved much in return. Other times it only feels like teasing glances at joy. Almost like someone was holding it on a string and bobbing it just out of reach in front of me. “Like what you see? Don’t you wish you could have this? Don’t you wish you could experience these things for real? But you can’t. You are comndemmed to the life of plastic keys and ** to show how you feel.” Well, no more for me. I have found love. I have found someone that doesn’t just want to commit, but to love me, that loves me. That seems me as so many wonderful things that I’m amazed everytime. The Complex ends here and Tenchi says goodnight for the last time. Here is where I say hello to the world in all its glorious radiance.

-Damien

“…the cultivation of the mind, the body, and the soul, and we must always cultivate the soul.”