Is it the end of the week yet???

Ok so here is how things went down since the last time I wrote…

I did not get to fall asleep so I wrote out my lists for that day and did some laundry. Watched TV which sometimes makes me tired especially if it is a stupid movie but it didn’t work either. SO by 5am I figured why try to sleep when I have to get up in less than 2 hours anyway so I made some thing to eat.

I left the house at 7 for my EMG which hurt like heck when she did the needle part… and my arm is bruised. I came home with just enough time to turn around and head out to PT. The Therapist there HURT me doing deep muscle massage on my neck… I swear it feels like it is bruised today. It hurts to touch it even a tiny bit. And no – my range of motion has not increased (like he even thought it would work HA!)

I cam home almost falling asleep driving at least once – begged my FIL to watch Autumn for just half an hour more so I could nap – but he did not wake me up at all… but he did grumble about watching Autumn. I woke up at 5pm to my cell phone ringing — it was Kal. The Mortgage company called him and said the payment bounced so he told them to call me at home… he called me to see if the home phone rang at all… it didn’t. I picked up the receiver and no dial tone. I unplugged the DSL modem and still not dial tone.

I called the phone company from my cell and sat on hold for about an hour or longer to FINALLLY get a recording telling me there was trouble on my line and I would not have a phone or DSL until after noon today. Great… no wonder the mortgage company couldn’t get a hold of me….the stupid phone didn’t work.

NEXT I called the bank. I paid the mortgage out of my PERSONAL account… which had enough to cover the mortgage PLUS extra … it is still set to Florida (or so I thought — more on that later) I also complained because we moved our joint account up here to GA and my debit card was supposed to be set to my new zip code of 30533 and it wasn’t it still was getting turned down when I used it as a credit card unless I put in my Holly Hill FL zip of 32117.

As I sat on hold for over an hour again waiting for tier two support….. My anger was getting worse and I started to cry again. (Stupid me)

She finally got me tire two support and discovered they messed both my accounts up. They moved my PERSONAL account to GA and kept our joint account in FL so the routing number on my personal account did not work and that is why the payment did not go through. No over draft fees from the bank though … thank GOD. We got (I HOPE) it fixed so my personal account address is now my mom’s (for now) and our joint account is here in Georgia.

Then I called the mortgage company… thank goodness they run on central time…

She said she did not see any late fees or returned checks on my account… the payment just did not move from the day I put it in. SO we did it again and I gave her the correct (I hope) routing number for FL. It did cost me another 12.95 to pay it through.

I still have the new rental car I rented on Monday afternoon because of all my appointments yesterday and neither Kal nor the bus could take me…. I have to turn it in today before 5pm. I don’t want to. First I fell in love with the Toyota Hertz gave us after the accident happened now I am in love with this Chevy Malibu. I bought the extra insurance… don’t tell Kal – he would flip but I am the one who says better safe than sorry later and with my near falling asleep yesterday I think I did the right thing)

Today I had my first counseling appointment at what used to be called Lumpking County Mental Health now they are Avita or something weird. It was kinda a waste I think. I cried I laughed I did all the same freakin stuff I did with Dr. Wylie in FL but I talked more about the anger issues I have right now since this last accident. I have NEVER felt this angry in my life. Anywho–she seemed nice – wrote a lot down and wants to see me next week… It is just MORE MONEY out of my pocket. She also explained to me that the doctors there don’t prescribe the anxiety meds like clonazapam like Dr. Wylie does. Not that I EVER abuse it … if anything I forget to take my meds more than anything….and only take the conazapam if I really feel a panic attack….

She wants me to go back on the 21st to do more intake stuff and see the nurse. I have to do al that BEFORE I get to see a doctor. I am now having second thoughts – Maybe If I just can see her for counseling and keep my Psych in FL it will be better. I can try to use nature and calming music to relax me… keep paper journaling all my anger and try to work on thinking positive. (She gave me two flyers on Depression and anxiety — half of the physical stuff listed is problems I am having from the car accidents)

I waited half an hour for my appointment, then I called home to see how things were and if they wanted me to pick up something for lunch. Of course the answer was “We just ate” so I just paid my bill and came home.

I ate a bowl of sugar smacks. That is all I have eaten today.

Pop-pop is sleeping and I just put Autumn in pull ups and put her on her bed with soft music for “Quite Time” which I am going to do myself. Make my bed, put on soft music and try to relax. She did tell me I was stupid and ugly. I know I know she is only 3 years old and still is learning and doesn’t really know what she says…. I am trying to teach her words can hurt.

I am not angry at anyone in particular – just angry at my self. I guess. I should be jumping for joy. But it seems my life keeps taking these weird turns (NOT people stuff things like car accidents and the like) that hurt me physically and mentally. I have NEVER ever had anger like this. NEVER.

Anyway, we shall see what happens after next weeks appointment. I think I will ask her if I can just use their counseling services and if not…. maybe I will be able to find another place. Maybe a Christian one. I know I need a church.

OK to think positive now…. Postive, poistive I know I can do this… it can’t be too hard… I think I will go back to the things I am thankful for

Everything from the last time – plus I learned how to put my music on my mobile phone (it doubles as an MP3 player), that I, even in the midst of this depression, can find ways to laugh, That I can figure out ways to incorporate other religious ideas into my faith in God, That I can love my husband more today than the day I married him and love my daughter more today than the day I gave birth to her. That I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That I can work toward having more good days than bad days, That my Father In Law can watch Autumn for me while I go to all these stupid appointments, That Lumpkin County has a bus service that can take me to the stupid appointments. That Direct TV has music channels and one that is like on Sirius Radio’s Spa Channel. I miss my Spa. That we are giving Autumn a *Quiet Time* of two hours so she can calm down and maybe fall asleep. I still have appointments with my doctors in FL because I love them and I don’t trust anyone new. I know I am paranoid I am thankful that my dad made it through his double bypass and heart valve replacement and I am thankful in advance that they find and fix why he keeps loosing blood and has to have a transfer ever week. I am also thankful that even through this horrible depression and anxiety, I am capable of LOVE. I love my family (the ones here and the ones in other states like my parents and sister etc.) and I love my friends. I love those I have met and those I have not met (yet). I love Holy Trinity with all my heart. I know He will never give me more than I can handle – even though it feels like it sometimes.

I am thankful for ALL of you, every day. I love you all so much and I am glad most of you don’t get upset if I don’t note most of the time.

Coming on the computer for me is still a chore that I don’t look forward to that much. I think I have logged into my online game three times total since getting DSL and then I am only on to see that is on and then log off.

Remember I love you all and am thankful that you are here and that you all give me great feedback and great ideas help me out through what ever it is you would call what ever I am going through.