Funny For Today

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

8. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The green, green grass of home.'”

“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”

“Is it common?”

“It’s not unusual.”

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Dainty says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”

“I don’t believe you,” said Dolly.

“It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Dainty.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.”

The other says, “Are you sure?”

The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”

12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bullshit before.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?

“No, because he’s really heavy”

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

15. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, ‘no, the steaks are too high.’

16. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,”Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied,”I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

17. I went to a seafood disco rave last week…. and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.