When gangtas cry

I cried a lot over the weekend. I’m over it now…but still going through it.

ever since I found that 10k, I have been stolen from left and right. But I’m going to get it all back. I plan on concentrating on this maybe today or Wednesday. I say Wednesday because I have an audition that’s due then. I’ve been having auditions back to back.

the last audition I did not do. I would have two best friends and one boyfriend. I wasn’t excited about the part. It was a bout my son being shot….i want to do it for the emotions but another part of me is like…do you think this will help or harm your career if the other actors are bad and not shot correctly?

the last film I was in was bad bad bad…but my acting was good! But this time, I want all aspects of the film to be good.

I was supposed to tape that audition yesterday but I wasn’t in the mood. I admit, I smoked a lot of weed…so much weed that Mrs. Smith treated me evil over the weekend. I think it’s because she knows I smoke. But then again, her dementia sets in and she becomes aloof. She and I actually wrestled for the first time…she really doesn’t like me. I look too young to care for her. I’m not really sure what it is….but sometimes she likes me and most times she doesn’t. Not sure. And I admit, it hurts me a little.

anyways,…

the other auditions for me to play a detective. I think being my height for a detective could be cool. I could be tall for this role but I think it’s much more powerful for a small woman to hold so much power. This character is more my speed…no makeup, no having to get my hair flat ironed and ruined by wardrope, the guys on set will play cops and criminals so I will be surrounded by manly men(hopefully). It’s a lot of lines…but I’m going to fight for this.

now I must pray…

Dear Jesus,

please forgive me for my sins, knowingly and unknowingly. In last Sundays sermon, it was discussed how we must avoid distractions. I wonder how much distraction I had for the audition that I did not submit on time.
I had days to prep but I really didn’t look at it as much as I could. Today, I will look at it as much as possible. I need to really say the lines over and over all morning, while I’m feeding Anabel breakfast, maybe walk around with Anabel’s wheelchair and say the lines(maybe ask Zoe to read the opposite lines), then study more during lunch and again after lunch, and during theater and over and over during the first two hours of babysitting Anabel after school…then go home and go over the lines before bed. Then repeat the same the next day until I have to record it once I get home that evening on Tuesday. I’m going to make sure and turn this audition it one day early.

if I have to tape the other audition, then I pray that I’ll get those lines down and memorized as well….

but back to distractions….

ive been smoking a lot of weed lately. So much so that when I ran out yesterday….i ran out and bought some more. It was good weed too. I only paid 5 bucks when it’s ten.

I studied my lines a lot while smoking weed. I wonder if that’s an oxymoron. All I know Jesus, is I was doing good without weed…but then again I’m not sure. I don’t know if weed is harming or helping my skin.

I had all weekend to heal my skin. I barely did anything to it because I was smoking. I think that was a good thing because I don’t have any pimples. It’s just all scarred up. I believe a VI PEEL would clear that up. I think tonight after work…after I studied my lines. I might do my own chemical peel and go to sleep right afterwards…and during today I will do spot treatments as much as possible and keep the marks covered with acne stickers….and avoid going outside. Maybe for courtyard…I can bring my own umbrella or something…I don’t know…I gotta figure that part out. Sunglasses glasses, spot treatments, and under eye masks…as much as possible until I see Shervy in a week.

I see him this weekend. I’m glad I get to see him! I’m definitely going to be on a diet. I’m fasting so I can have a nice figure when I see him. Maybe I can send an email to Ted and ask for coffee this weekend…or treat him for lunch at Jerry’s Deli….ill write him an email today. As well as that agent, Belle. We will see what happens.

I also need to complete the management contract today…so much to do Jesus! You think I would have tackled it over the weekend but I was busy memorizing lines.

Jesus, please let me book this detective part. I would love to get cast for this role. I pray that doors will open. I pray that my life will begin!

I wish I had more time. All I do is work work work. I work basically seven days a week…that’s probably why I smoke…I gotta treat myself somehow.

this morning I plan to roll a blunt, go to Starbucks and then to work. I think I’ll get my Starbucks near my job. Nah, I’ll just leave early enough to get my Starbucks right before I reach the freeway to work.

i pray I can leave on time. I usually leave in 30 min…so 7:15am and I give myself an hour to get to work. I just need to stay on time.

Dear Jesus, please continue to protect me against my haters. I pray that Ms. Clark, Ms. Patrice, and Ms. Gray will leave me the fuck alone! Excuse me for cursing…I pray that you will put a hedge of protection with angels to guard me wherever I go.

i pray that I can change Anabel twice with ease. I pray that I won’t get hungry and drink lots of water. I pray that I stay focused on healing my skin and eye area while memorizing lines.

i pray for my mind to be so receptive to memorizing the lines as if they were my own. I would LOVE to play such an intelligent woman. I pray that I’ll become the next big star.

I actually was able to see the acting of a lot of different actresses on tv this weekend. Some of them okay the same character every role they get. Same facial expressions. Same mannerisms.

I want to be different. I want to be like heath ledger and Leonardo DiCaprio in one. I want to totally transform into the character. I want to bring elements of myself but in reality, I WOULDbe totally different if I were a detective. How cool would that be! A detective!

I gotta play the hell out of this role. Please help me in Jesus name. Amen.