Seeing signs
I saw 444 right before I grabbed my phone. I don’t know what anything means anymore but I’m just reporting what I saw. I been away for a minute because I’ve been smoking. It started in Atlanta…by the way I didn’t get the audition.
let me grab the cookies out of the oven. I believe I bought the pack of cookies yesterday. Now, I’m eating the last two out of the package. I gained 7 pounds in one week. I know this because I got weighed at the doctor office yesterday.
she played this stupid little game with me yesterday.
”I have no idea who you are. Why don’t I know you?…”
”um, probably because you haven’t seen me in two years.”
… I don’t like you. that’s exactly how I feel.
NOW I remember why I smoked weed before seeing her. …..
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it was 555 when I grabbed the phone again…days have passed ….i just pressed the restore option so i could read how crazy I sounded previously.
im still smoking. It’s so bad that I snuck outside of the old lady house to smoke weed. When I came back in, I took a bath and gave the old lady her meds.
I feel like I’m in a bad mood but feel slightly better to be talking to you guys. It’s crazy cuz sometimes I think I’m talking to myself but once in a while I may have someone who may want to express their opinion on my thoughts.
one person actually agreed with me about my sister in that she was only using me and another thinks I’m privileged…ha! I’m so sensitive that it probably made it easier with my decision making to smoke again. I don’t want to smoke…I just get too sensitive I guess.
I feel bad for some reason…I guess I feel bad that I gained 7 pounds before my music video. I feel bad for not booking the audition. I feel bad for smoking again. I feel bad that I drive my old car that now smells mildewed from the spilled milk earlier. I feel bad that I’m going to be working Mon-Friday from 8-5pm very soon(but grateful to have a job). I feel bad that my electricity bill $393. I feel bad that I still don’t have a place with a washer and dryer. I feel bad that I cannot afford my career…the new backdrop, the special camera, the reader….i only have that in LA. I’m sad abt Shervy. I’m mad that I don’t have a retirement. I’m mad that I can’t find friends that I relate to without it being weird in some way. I’m sad about my stomach hurting. I’m sad that I’m bloated and uncomfortable.
I’m sad I am on a water fast…yep….between 7am Saturday to 7am Monday…..I’m only having water. At least I’m going to try. Then when I get back to my hotel, I can start my workout regiment. I hope that I can do it.
its 7:30am…I’m 30 min in my fast so far. It’s raining here so I’m hoping that will keep all visitors away. The old lady’s son, pretend daughter, and church friends like to visit. But since it’s raining, I believe I’ll have the morning to myself…at least until noon. That’s good because I’m going to use that time for rest.
im letting a girl stay at my hotel for free for a week. She said she was staying with a guy who was being really weird towards her. I decided to give her a place to stay where she didn’t have to deal with anyone. It’s just her in a hotel…I hope she respects my things while I’m away…I’m sure she will.
so my goal is to do a 48 hour fast, take care of my skin with facial masks, do my foot mask, tweeze my eyebrows, fully shave, put my creams on, and rest 8 hours for the next two nights.
in the meantime, I have to work on blue cross, finding out when school starts, going over songs, going over timeline for bts video, creating a storyline for music video, going over wardrobe, going over choreography, sending makeup and hair inspiration, etc….lots to do!
dear Father, I know I didn’t book the part for a reason. I have a lot going on on my own end. I pray for favor with my music video, with everyone involved, with my mindset. I pray my addiction to nicotine will end. I pray for the perfect part in television or film will enter my life at your perfect timings I pray that the video chat will still happen. I pray that all will work out in Jesus name. Amen