Redemption

Dear Jesus,

as you know, I’ve been dealing with so much. The women on the job LIED and PLOTTED against me in hopes of getting me fired. I pray that You place Your mighty hand on the situation and show off to the fullest. Let everyone know that they cannot hold down Your child!
I pray that You forgive me for smoking since Christmas. I stopped smoking today…made it through with no withdrawals. Usually I need to buy and buy and buy again. But this time, I’m going to try my best to not smoke until August 30th or June…but a part of me doesn’t want to smoke near my birthday. I really would like the habit to be gone forever…but I don’t know how to do that. Only you can save me from my addiction. My flesh can only do so much…I feel weak (because I love smoking but I love me not smoking more).
I didn’t feel weak today though. I probably lost some weight since I didn’t eat today. That’s the only good thing about when you first stop smoking…you lose your appetite-which is great for losing all the weight i gained from “the munchies”. I weighed 114 when I went to the doctor last week…I used to be 107 for the longest…but before that I was 95lbs for even longer. I personally wish to be 98lbs. I just want to be under 100. I’m going to try my hardest to make this happen.
I was in HR for 2.5 hours recently and they made me cry over and over and over. I hated them for that. What’s worse…they didn’t believe me! I’m just soooooooo upset that happened.
Lord you know what I’m going through. I have to learn/write a song tomorrow. I have to learn a new song soon for a performance. And I have to try my hardest to come up with a three hour set performance. I’m hoping I can do this but if I can’t, then at least it will be a private event. But I’m determined to do well. I’m getting paid $500 for one song at a black tie event and $295 for a three hour event at a private home. I pray that everything will work out.
im just wondering what needs to be done to get to where I want to be? I try sooooo hard with my auditions. I am going to work really hard on the song tomorrow…. I’m just confused why I’m still here in the same place like when I lived in LA and a young person …but with you, well you can make ANYONE to attend my shows, you could make any of my music videos go viral, I could get approved for a better living situation overnight, etc.

My dad says the reason everything is not going right in my life is because I have not had any success yet. I think it’s that and because my siblings never liked me. Not  getting raped or going to jail or being robbed with a gun to my forehead made me be this way…luckily I blacked out during the rape, jail was a fun adventure/experience, and having the gun to my forehead only proved to me how fearless I am…when the guy put the gun to my head-I told him how ashamed he should be and how his mother should be so ashamed of him…his response: YOU DONT KNOW MY MAMA!!! Then he ran out my place, after stealing only a few bucks.

even two days ago, my back tire flew off! I had to grip the steering wheel so I wouldn’t crash or hit anyone. I was so impressed with my determination to not crash. I didn’t release the wheel & held on firmly… and thank you God, for helping me with the wheel & sending me TWO MEN to help me!!!! When the first guy didn’t have a jack, the second guy let us borrow his tool box…

now I’m watching a Tyler Perry show…(in the show)they found 50k. The whole episode is about reporting the money to the police and returning the money to whomever stole it. I had the same thing happen to me…I found 10k…but I never gave it back to whoever lost it. The person who lost it did come to my door. I had my gun in my waist band and told him to leave me alone…. I never saw him again.

I didn’t bother investing a ring camera because that would make it look like I really did get the money and used a portion of it for the ring camera. I just acted normal like nothing was different. But the 10k, I’m using for my next 3 music videos, bills and recording…I would pay for advertising and marketing but I don’t like throwing money away when you can simply whisper in someone’s ear to go on the YouTube site and my music could pop up. That would be super easy for you to have someone to discover me…

but there’s a reason why I haven’t made it yet. Maybe I need more talent. Maybe lose 15 pounds. Maybe I need to quit smoking weed first.

i personally want to go after my career and be successful. I feel like my friendships, my party life, my romance, my life….will begin soon after. But maybe He wants me to do something first…

I would like for a lawyer to be in my life. A lawyer who’s kind and super sweet to me but mean to those who are mean to me. I wish I had luxury trips…at least one trip out of the country before I make it. Maybe experience Paris in a super broke way….then experience it as a millionaire.

i wish I was a billionaire. I’d create so much property to leave behind for a better world…like a school, an afterschool program, a church and a library. The only problem with this is choosing the good & honest people to run it. If you have the wrong people, then the business will die. Maybe just donate…that would be safer. And tithing….i need to always donate to church…we need to keep the study of Jesus alive by helping churches keep His teachings alive….the right churches with good & genuine ministers …. But that’s hard too… Shervy thinks my pastor, Joel Osteen, is a money theif. He believes Joel Osteen pockets a lot of the money for himself. I personally think he’s anointed…like his father, John Osteen…and so is Lisa Comes…I love listening to them.
in the Tyler Perry show, they reported the money to the police and found its owner. That’s tv….in real life – a real life female that is living like I am- keeps the money.
It’s past my bedtime. I truly need to get some rest. So Jesus, just to reiterate- please take away my addiction to weed, please guide me with my job, let me not get fired, let me get a new job if it’s Your will, let the lawyer-Chris-take my case with no charge, help me remember all my songs, help me get a refund for the money that was stolen, and most of all-HELP MAKE MY DREAMS BECOME A REALITY. But I just know, you would not have something in my heart for so long to not see it come to fruition.
That’s it…I’m praying for REDEMPTION & FOR ME TO RISE-BEAUTY FOR ASHES. Amen