Psa: Seeking miracles

I can’t sleep. There’s a lot on my mind. I feel bad for acting like I didn’t want to watch Tootoo (Shirley’s Dog), when that dog has been keeping me happy while watching Ms. Smith.

ms. Smith sleeps during the day but is up here and there during the night. I got my hours for the entire year from my other job as Anabels evening nanny. When I tried to schedule my days with Mr. Harry, he acted as though he didn’t expect her to live throughout the year. That was the feeling I got from him…

ms. Smith…doesn’t even get out of bed anymore. All of her meals are in bed. And now she’s barely eating. I had to feed her and give her something to drink. I wish she would have more energy. She’s only 90. I want to live until 103…my mom wants to live until 114. I feel like 90 is still ten years away from the end…but that’s just my way of thinking.

i feel sad Father. I don’t hear from my nephew. He’s so confused. I think he’s smoking weed again. I think he’s feeling alone. I think he wants to just be alone. I understand though….hes young and his love for people is measured in what you can do for him. He wants you to give him money for his attention. I don’t know what to say about that…except my other nephew is not the same. But I don’t want to go further….i just ask that you help our family. We are so dysfunctional.

father, Shervin and I are barely talking. I’m waiting until November 1st to speak again. I want to make it to 41 days that I quit smoking. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I see quite a difference. My body is looking better, my skin looks better, my lips look youthful, my hair is shiny and healthy,…I see how my looks improved.

i just wish that things could get better!!!!!! I’m sorry but I just wish I could have more money to afford things. I want nice furniture, a cleaner environment , the means to go to the spa, the time to go to voice and acting classes, the money to eat healthier foods. I want so much.

I think of my life as being a servant. I have always served for others: being a nanny, and aide, and now a caregiver and pet sitter. I just want the table turned around and people will help me for a change-and I could afford it.

shervy helps me out a lot. He is a good guy. I only buy small things…I limit myself because I know he doesn’t have much. But, I do wish i could have enough to buy anything I want.

im just feeling off. It’s because of my audition. I feel like another looming rejection is around the corner. All I can do is give my best…but I feel like I just don’t have all the means to get what I want. Maybe I don’t have the best camera, a large enough space, enough time….there are so many elements that go into securing a part. I pray to have the best representation and the best possible way to put myself on camera. I wish wish I wish I wish…

it’s crazy how I work three jobs and still don’t have enough….

i heard a sermon an hour ago about how you like to “show off”. The minister went on to say how you like to show us all the miraculous things you can do in our life. I think it’s a miracle how I look so young at 40. I think it’s a miracle that I am still alive after all I’ve suffered. I think it’s a miracle that I have parents that have been married for 53-54 years… I think it’s a miracle how I can find the strength to keep going after all the rejection I’ve faced…

but these are the type of miracles I want to say next: I think it’s a miracle how my songs went viral. I think it’s a miracle how all the top agencies want to sign me. I think it’s a miracle how I have the best resources to become a great successful person. I think it’s a miracle how I won an Oscar and Grammy. I think it’s a miracle how I met Anna Wintour and walked the steps of the met gala. I think it’s a miracle at how all of these top brands want to work with me. I think it’s a miracle how I got my beach flat. I think it’s a miracle how I got my three horses: Thunder, Honey & Bolt. I think it’s a miracle how I can afford the best security team. I think it’s a miracle how my dreams all came true.

I’m praying for big miracles in Jesus name. and please let my legs grow longer. Amen