Last nights prayer (fell asleep before sending)

Dear Jesus,
I wonder if you know how my day went. I wonder if you are close to some or all. I wonder if I’m significant enough to be heard. I wonder if you knew my life was going to be this way. I wonder if you knew I’d use this app to write my prayers down in order to think about what I’m saying and not rush…I wonder a lot about you.

i was extremely tired ALL DAY. It started with getting very little sleep. Miss Shirley made breakfast with a large amount of eggs and bacon for me. I was very happy that she made it up to me like that(although it did not taste that good…but I was grateful to put something on my stomach). In the future, I will start packing as early as 4pm and do my skincare by 5pm and get in my bed clothes by 6pm and be asleep by 8pm. That will ensure that I will get at least eight hours of sleep before Miss Shirley’s arrival at 4:50am.

when I arrived at the school, I automatically put a wall up with everyone. I come in and say good morning then I quickly put my things away. Then I walk out to the cafeteria and stand on the sidelines until Anabel arrives on the bus & the kids disperse for class and I’m able to sit down. I usually feel eyes on me from hater, Ms. Gray then it trickles to Patrice and Clark. I don’t know why those women look at me so much. They all look like they used to be bullies at their school. I don’t see Nava that much but she is a jealous skank too(sorry God). Romo and her friend Megan don’t talk to me anymore but they are cordial…just the way I like it. There’s no reason for us to be fake.

today romo and I were left in the room alone with the kids. I watched the children. But I mostly took some time to relax. I think from now on I will move to the other side of the classroom instead. Romo tends to walk around the whole classroom and it’s super annoying…maybe I should switch it up and be on the other side of the classroom. Or maybe I can just stay on my side…I admit I was doing as little as possible…but I don’t feel I get paid enough to stress myself out more. After all I work eight hours a day, 5 days a week, and I get paid 1k every two weeks. I wish I was paid more…but there’s so much controversy over me that it makes it impossible to get recognition for Anabel. I don’t even want any recognition. I just want to do my job and go home.

I just looked for jobs just now. I just feel like I should stay at the school…be there for Anabel. I feel like she could be with someone else but she won’t get the same type of affection that she gets from me. Other people tolerate her, I actually care about Anabel.

After lunch, I tried to sit at the table with my co workers but I don’t like it. It gives Clark a reason to grill me with questions about what I’m doing right or wrong, Mack asks me if I’m ok all the time(which I feel is a set up to talk about me behind my back on why I seem so unhappy), and I hate hearing the sound of the incessant clacking about things that don’t matter from the other co workers. “So what are we ordering for lunch , who’s picking it up , I will do this or that for you Clark…” it’s amazing how Clark trains these women to do so much for them. But they benefit from having longer breaks and that’s about it.

And Lord, I know I should love my neighbors…and I do…I just can’t be fake or can’t forget how they talked about me behind my back…I’m too old to pretend.

thank God for masks…where I can hide my face. I plan to do the same thing tomorrow: hide my face. I don’t like how there are always trying to examine my face. I don’t like how Mack has asked me at least 4 times in the past 2 weeks if I’m ok…like why does she think I will divulge anything to her.

By sixth period, I was completely depleted. I was in the room with Miranda and her ABC kids…Jackson has since moved there. I’m happy she has moved there too. Clark thinks she did something with that move, but it hasn’t affected me one bit.

by theater class, I became a little alive again. The kids did their lines awful but I didn’t mind. Our theater teacher didn’t mind either. I’m ok with that.

I was so done that I had a big smile when it was time to put Anabel on the bus to go back home. There is this new bus driver that I like who looks like a lesbian or nonbinary. Why does I always feel so much closer to the queer? Something about them just feels so much easier with them. One of my best friends there (who I thought was binary) said he and his fiance were non binary. I shouldn’t have interrupted him when was beginning to say something along the lines of being free. Ironically, I hardly ever see him without his mask on. It’s like his security blanket.

i came home after getting an acai bowl and ate it in 2.5 seconds. Ate $13 in less than 3 seconds…it was so good. I wish I could afford to eat that every day along with a walnut apple salad and fish with vegetables or any hot plate with a side of vegetables. Lord, I wish I had the good life…but that implies I have a bad life.

i know I’m blessed but I just wished I had a better lifestyle. I learned from Joel Osteens online sermon that we must see our blessings or what God has for us in a distance and welcome it towards us. How you do that? I’ve been welcoming my dreams to come true for a LONG TIME…but it was only a few months ago that I gave my addiction up to smoking.

I think I should go to bed early. I need to rejuvenate.