I smoked again

I smoked then ate all my food in the fridge. My stomach is poking out and I feel fat. I shouldn’t have smoked i feel bad. I don’t know what to do.

im about to speak to some guy named Clifton in a few minutes. ……

I just spoke to him. He sounds young. He sounds like he knows what he’s talking about too. Take lots of pictures and do podcasts so people fall in love with you and do highlights of everything you do so people can follow your journey. Now I know to do more photos and write people to join their podcasts. I’m going to look for those.

We just got disconnected. But it’s cool. I don’t really like this guy. He wants me to pay him $500 each time to do a podcast and take pictures. It’s bullshit.

I’m tired from smoking and already in bed. I need to take a bath. I ate too much. I feel guilty. I feel guilty for smoking, for eating too much, & for breaking my promise to God.

reflecting on everything, I don’t like how I had a substance take over my body. I learned from this. Don’t go back! This is an addiction! Don’t go back! It robbed you of time, money, and it made you feel sad, guilty and depressed… ITS NOT WORTH IT! Don’t go back.

I told one of my supporters – who never took a drug before. He felt sorry for me and just said how he wishes that I didn’t touch anything that controls me. He insinuated that it’s demonic and how we must always be in control. I admit, I felt like he sounded extreme but I remembered how much time I’ve wasted over the years.

i felt so guilty and the depression returned. I admit I woke up sad but later that day I did things that made me happy like grocery shopping and clothes shopping… I found the cutest clothing today… then I wore it to studio.

DEAR FATHER, I pray for repentance. Please take my addiction away for good. Please let me never go to any outside substance for anything. Help me do what is right and never anything that seperates me from you. Help me Father. Please help me with my life. Sometimes I smoke to not feel pain but in the end I put myself into a deeper suffering. I feel like I damaged my soul by smoking. Like I bruised the inner me. Like I was Popeye-but smoking took my strength. Please break this addiction for good before I harm myself anymore. I came home and ate way too much food… all the food I bought earlier today, I almost ate it all today. I need your help Father. Amen