I smoked again

I smoked before my music video shoot, during my shoot, after my shoot…I smoked so much that my belly stuck out. I do believe I looked good in the music video but I could have looked much better if I worked out, diet, and didn’t smoke…

I have another music video shoot to prep for this Wednesday. I had to FIGHT tooth and nail to get that day off. I’m telling you, without a doubt-Mrs. Clark got something against me. She told me that it will be best not to take off any days off: I need August 7th off though.

today I heard her say that she keeps hiring black people because she doesn’t like white people. That may or not be true…who knows. All I know is that this woman got an infatuation with me. I think she and her husband did a background check and looked up my porn past.

by the way, I met with the director. A total asshole. This dude had the audacity to say I looked the part but didn’t act the part. Then I told him, that the script was hard to understand. He did me a favor by not casting me because he referred to himself as Paula Abdul…if he was not gay, he was soon on his way to Gaytown. He said he was like (PA) because he wanted to see everyone win…maybe or maybe not….but his feedback made me give a better performance for my music video.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER…..yep I hit the restore button again. As I was saying, it is now Monday morning.

its now 7am and my alarm went off to remind me that I am a slave but I get to chose which place I die slowly at which will be at a middle school and then later this afternoon at an elementary school, where I’ll be learning physical restraints today.

 I had been smoking all night…and again this morning. I wanted to rush through my last two blunts for some reason. I watched a ton of YouTube videos. Too bad I don’t like to talk to the camera like that…it seems a bit much.

i have to actually take an online training test for two hours then I have to look at a video for edits for a nut job. Ugh

what am I gonna do with my life? I wish I could work on my on career or stay in bed and do nothing.

now I gotta get ready and go to work….drive 30 min to/from work…I’ll make coffee for the road. I don’t want to be late but I’m going to put my hair up, take a bath, put on creams, get dressed, put on shoes, pack all of my belongings, bag, workout bag, towel,

I plan to go to the hotel after work. I was going to wash and dry clothes while relaxing at the same time. I planned on also typing out plenty of things like: Airbnb, flight, schedule, lyrics, requests for Anabel for her signature sheet for the restroom & her goals for each month. Then go home to sleep.

by then, I will start my first night of not smoking weed. It’s going to be weird not smoking again. I’m stopping right after this inch sized cigarillo is done…literally two puffs….But I truly need this separation. My music video is shoot on Wednesday and my job as a schools aide officially begins the next day. I’m going to be so tired if I don’t take my sleep seriously. So hopefully I can detox ….all the way until I don’t know when….i just can’t smoke anymore. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I think I’ll go crazy if I don’t smoke weed. I have to start memorizing songs…if I smoke, I’ll go to sleep…. No no no stop smoking. You can stop this addiction to nicotine.

i hate that I even smoked… I like smoking though. Met some really cool people smoking. Had opportunities when I smoked. Had ideas too….but smoking is not the creator of those things. My God is! I need to dedicate my time and sacrifice my habit for quality time with God instead. I have to learn how to love it more than smoking. I run to weed before God…that can’t be right.

yesterday I heard negative voices. How some people think I’m pathetic. Then I started to wonder why did I wonder what they think? Then I started to wonder why the fuckni meeded so much attention that I needed to get an online diary…well DUH-cuz I wanted my voice and thoughts to be heard.

I want a better life. How do I obtain that? I want to travel, wear luxury brands, splash around in clear waters, eat healthy food, be near a good church, own some land with horses. Have a place to call home. Security if needed. I want security everywhere I go…that’s sad to say, but when you have a lot…people begin to envy you. Why would I want a lifestyle wherein babe to randomly shell out thousands of dollars to be driven somewhere and shielded from others? I’ll get back to you on that…I have to go to prison/work/grateful/nothappy.

Dear God, please help my life and help me get to work on time. Protect me against all evil. Help me with my mental state and let me not have withdrawals. I love you. Amen