He responded

Jay the senior vice president of Warner music and HBO, responded to my email:

Let’s set a time to talk this week.

I am open to giving you some feedback.

Jay

It was short and sweet but that message turned my frown upside down. The ceo of Warner music and HBO wants to give ME feedback. That’s awesome!!

Also, I heard a voice…it was very small. It said: I am not ready to give you to the world yet. I still need you to work with Mrs. Smith and Anabel. I need you to take care of them first. 

With that said, I choose to be happy doing Gods work, even though it’s not the exact job I want right now. He wants me to help Anabel and give her joy at school….maybe even help her make strides in communication. And with Mrs. Smith…He wants me to help her live longer through being her caregiver on the weekends. She is connected to so many people through her 90 years of life and I can tell that so many (people) would be devastated if she passed away-especially her son. Her son does SO MUCH for his mom…he pays all the bills, he hires caregivers around the clock for his mom, he keeps the fridge stocked, he dotes on his mom so much…he is such a good man!!!! I hope he can find a woman that treats him just as sweetly in the future.

I know I was sounding so depressed and hopeless earlier, but I stumbled across AshestoAshes entry…it’s his birthday today. He said: sometimes we have to live outside of our comfort zone in order to grow…

my first thought to this statement was: oh SHIT, I guess that means I should give up weed…but even then I heard a voice: it’s not that bad! Just don’t make it your God and smoke sparingly…take breaks and don’t be independent on weed.

….but that wasn’t Gods voice…that was probably me telling myself that, lol.

but anyways, I pray I can be patient. I know I write about my dreams all the time. I’m sure it’s a turn off to most readers but I’m not a people pleaser…I’m on this app for me…to help me. I’ll never do or say things to appease people…I will be nice and kind….but never fake.

Remember when that one reader told me that I sounded miserable…? I realized that I internalized that comment and thought about it too long: am I miserable?

That let me know that God is not done with me yet! Do you know if I ever got on The Voice-the amount of negative comments I could possibly receive??? She did porn, she is short, she can’t sing like Whitney Houston, she’s too old, she acts or looks too young…actually if people say I look young, that would be a compliment. Or I could have a hater from this app “out” me and ruin my ability to journal anonymously. I hope that if I do make it, I won’t ever have to keep my journal private…I want to share everything I deal with, in hopes I can receive the help or advice I need from yall…

But bringing it back around, I realize I shouldn’t let people’s comments affect me. I still have not gotten to a point where I don’t care what people think of me…not yet.

my mom says I can be selfish…but that’s so far from the truth. In reality, she just wants me to buy her things and pay for stuff…she doesn’t realize how broke I am! I say this because, sometimes people say false accusations because of their own personal feelings.

Changing subject: I don’t think Mrs. Clark dislikes me. She’s a bit jealous of my relationship with Anabel…but that’s a good jealousy. She will have a turn around when she realizes that it’s a good thing that Anabel loves me. As long as I show up on time and do my job, she and I will have no problems. I’m sure of this!

lastly, I’m gonna stay grateful. I have a lot to be grateful for. I could be ugly…that would suck. At least when I look in the mirror, I’m like oh wow….u look good.

At least I live in a hood where my neighbors look out for me and there are security cameras around. At least, I got some hood friends that have my back and will take someone down for me….only half kidding.

I just hit my cousin up via messenger from the Angola prison. He killed somebody. I heard it was because his family was threatened- so he took them out first. I want to ask him about it but I don’t think I ever can…unless we ever meet again face to face. If he ever gets out, I’ll take care of him. I’ll let him live on my property for free and be in charge of washing my vehicles and going with me to events as part of my security. I know I know I know what y’all are all thinking: that’s not a good idea…& you’re probably right…but I believe everyone deserves a second chance in life.

I’ve been thinking about auditioning for the voice again. I haven’t started my rehearsals yet but it’s about time to start taking it serious. Luckily, I picked out all my audition songs. With this being said, I have my homework to do.

one of my songs is a very difficult Mariah Carey song….actually two songs I will be learning are Mariah Carey songs. One of the songs, she never sung live on a stage before. But then, just yesterday a video of her singing the song appeared on YouTube! Crazy how I picked a song that she sung DECADES AGO…and NOW she’s finally singing it live….that lets me know that even she finds it difficult to sing.

Anyways, I just looked up Micheal Stover. He was the first manager I had that was charging me $125 a month and ended up getting like 2k from me. I’m so done man….i hate when my thoughts take me back like that. I know a lot more people are going to do me dirtier and steal money from me…but I just gotta trust that God is ultimately in control.

Dear Father, please help me with my thoughts. I get so down and depressed. I have to remind myself that I’m blessed everyday. I just want so much…but I need to learn how to be content with what I have for the time being. I just pray that my life would be more enjoyable. I want to have joy. I know happiness is a choice but I can’t pretend that I’m happy about certain things when I’m not. Please touch my life in a miraculous way. Give me patience, strength, wisdom and send protection wherever I go. I pray that I get some things accomplished today. Guide my footsteps….lastly, let me know if I should audition for The Voice or not. And if you want me to, please let me win(in life). Amen