Bad Guy Mechanic

I just sent a partial refund request to the guy that was a fake mechanic. I’ve been dealing with a lot of fake mechanics lately. I’m not feeling my best. My nervous system seems a bit fried and it’s oozing out my body in the form of random red bumps on my body. One red bump on my wrist, then my ankle, and another on the side of my knee. Thank God nothing on my face yet. I set a doctors appointment for this Friday.

I love food so much that it would be impossible for me to develop an eating disorder but I’m desperately trying to lose weight. I don’t know how to lose weight in the places where I want though. I’ll lose my calf muscles first then my butt THEN my stomach…so I look like I have toothpick legs and a flat butt before I lose weight where I want. I didn’t work out yesterday because I was soooooooo lazy. I just want my car troubles to be over because it’s making me exhausted.

im so glad God gave me this hotel to stay in. I needed this! I discovered a nice movie theater and shops that are nearby. I think I’m going to walk there and treat myself (to see a movie) before I start work this Friday. I want to get my car fixed but the part alone won’t arrive until June 26th.

I’m thinking it may be best to take an Uber to work this weekend to avoid creating any further damage to my car. This will also set the notion that I am not going anywhere in my car with an elderly lady. Nor am I being paid extra to travel anywhere.

you think with my car troubles I’d lose faith. I know this is all a test that I WILL pass. I hate the fact that I want so much out of life and I’m being bothered by this situation. My only transportation, is in jeopardy.

I just got a video for me to memorize choreography with! I literally just checked my messages and saw the choreo to learn! I’m sooooooooooo excited!!! Omg!!!!!! You should see it!!! Ahhhhhhh! I can’t contain myself! I gotta FOCUS! It’s time to get myself right!

I saw this new artist out. She’s young, tall, skinny… and I wonder how she made it. I’m wondering what do I need to do? She doesn’t look as though she’s been touched or taken advantage of. I remember when Billie Ellish first came out how JB wanted to desperately protect her…from who though? And then I feel like she gained weight due to stress or protection. I say protection because I shield myself from predators by wearing baggy clothes, not wearing makeup, dressing homely, not making myself look put together…IN OTHER WORDS- I dim my light so I won’t be seen.

My skin is so itchy in one spot. I’m trying not to scratch but massage instead. I’m so upset. I go from one emotion from the next but that is not of God. I’m deciding now that God has got me! What PERFECT TIMING to see GOD WORK! Now, more than ever, I get to activate my faith and let go and let God work.

sure I want a brand new car, but where is the money going to come from? And sure I want my current car to be fixed, but who and when and how will it be repaired?..I’m so happy I get a front row seat for it all…to see God’s miracles and mercy!

my life is about to be a whirlwind soon….if it hasn’t been already. It’s so funny how God waited til the school season was over for me to have car problems. Surely, he will protect me now. His timing is always right.

enough about my car, I went to bed at 12:40 and woke up any 5:20am and now it’s 645am. I definitely need more sleep. I have delicious bacon waiting for me that I’m going to add with eggs and grits in the morning…that is if I’m even hungry. My desire to be fit over rules my desire to overeat.

when I spend the weekend with the elderly lady, I’m going to be learning the choreo. I’m also going to be writing new music and I will do at home exercises. In the mornings, I will walk with her in the morning or at night. I’ll fix her nothing but healthy and delicious food. And I’ll read the Bible to her in the morning and night.

you know what’s funny? I secretly been desiring to have close, female friends…God gave me Anabel and now this lady. Anabel is hard work but everything she goes through at school- I go through too – because I’m by her side non stop. But I do feel like I’m working way too hard for my money. We shall see what happens…

im sure God has me there for a reason. Kinda dread going back…but I know that’s not the right attitude to have. I need to be a light for this little girl. I pray that I can help her.

Anyway, I’m ready to focus: workout, order parts for car, get ready to meet Kalani in the studio, memorize lyrics for all songs and print them out…TODAY I NEED TO GET TO WORK!!!!

DEAR HEAVENLY FATHER, thank you thank you thank you for letting me see what the problem is on my car. Help me with my situation. I pray my car troubles will be gone soon. I pray for a speedy recovery with my face and body. I love you Father…I probably don’t say it enough. Even through difficult times, I remain in the palm of your hand. Thank you for the $160 sent my way today. I pray that my life will be beautiful. The kind of life where I get to see beautiful things that you’ve created. I would like to experience seeing beautiful views all over the world. I pray my eye sight will forever be strong to witness all your glory. I pray for love. The kind of love that is safe and not lustful.. the kind that is patient and caring. I pray for my career. I would love to get lost in a character that teaches me a lesson and feeds my soul. The kind of role that will affect people in a positive way. I want to do roles with meaning.. and if it’s a horror film – let it be like sixth sense. And if it’s a comedy- let it be like sex in the city. If it’s historical- let it be like Titantic. If it’s sci-fi, let it be like ET…I want to be in classics that will stand the test of time! And for music, let me always be inspired. Let me spread a message of faith love light and joy. And if it’s sad, let it be deeply meaningful. I’ve always always always wanted to be loved and to be popular. I never had it. I pray that the trauma within my family will fade. Let me be like Joseph in the Bible, where I will one day be a blessing for others and still love my siblings with all my heart. Let me never hold resentment against my brother for never being a brother to me. And let me love my sister unconditionally, who always had hatred towards me that it was evident with her husband and even her friends that rallied with her to join in hating on me. I think when your own siblings dislike you- it makes you doubt yourself …I think that trauma had trickled into my present life. I treat people like they are disposable. If they don’t add to my life in any positive way, they are gone. And I don’t wait for someone to like me…I just keep it moving. So maybe having the first people you meet (ie your brother & sister) in life whom despise you – has made me tough to face haters in the real world. Please place your hand on my life. Protect me from Joie the mechanic. Protect me from any hands that may damage my car. Protect me from smoking again; build me up against temptation. Place the right people in my life. Give me strength Lord. Give me a peace that surpasses all understanding. Guide my footsteps Father. Help me know your name in every way. Help me father in Jesus name. Amen.