Back to Work (1of3)

I was supposed to be at anabels house today at 7am…I arrived at 8am. Luckily, the dad did not mind. I hope that maybe they won’t ask me to wake up so early in the morning over the weekends. They have two kids in the house that are 14 & 21 that can watch Anabel…but some families are different from other families…in some cases, if there were kids at home that were that age, then the older sibling will watch the younger sibling….my mom used to do this with my sister & me. I remember one time I was in the high chair and she fed me dog food…true story. However, after my sister pulled my arm out of socket and after my brother put a pillow over my face til I almost passed out when I was under 8 years old, my mom soon realized it was not safe to leave me in their possession…I’m telling you, my brother and sister HATED me growing up. My therapist said this is normal for older siblings to be jealous of the younger sibling…but does it last until adulthood? Like I’m 40 almost 41 and we still don’t talk. I talk about this almost every journal entry because I wish I had a relationship with them but it saddens me because I know it will never happen…PERIOD. sucks… but even at this point, I could NEVER trust them. That’s why it always amazes me when my dad thinks I can share  real estate with my brother when I become famous…ummmm, no dad-that brother doesn’t even care about me. And I go by what my mom says….TRUST NO ONE.

Shervy is this way too. He doesn’t trust anyone and always expect the worst from them. Ironically, despite his thinking, most people ADORE him…he’s the sweetest guy. He refers to every woman as ”sweetheart” and every man as “my good man”. I should get jealous about the sweetheart part but I know it’s just the way he speaks…and also, I don’t care because I don’t want to be with Shervy in this way. But I will say this, if I have to marry someone, he would be ideal…if I never had to have sex or kiss him…but that is unrealistic.

I knew I didn’t want to be married the day my dad reached out and complained to me about mom not wanting to be intimate with him for months. Then my sister said she has to have sex at least once a week with her husband…and she said it in a way like it was a terrible chore. From that point on, I knew I didn’t want to be in a marriage where I have to be adherent to a man’s needs….gross. Now if my husband was handsome, intelligent, and had old school manners like opening doors, buying flowers, and planning special dates….then it would be different…but then I’d be worried about cheating. I am not the type of woman that checks phones or follows a man around…so it’s very easy to cheat on me. I guess I watch too many episodes of Cheaters on Ruko.

im sitting on the couch while Anabel is in bed, watching The Little Mermaid. I can’t believe I’m still tired. Her dad made pancakes for me but I didn’t eat them. I’m back on my fast I think…however, that may change when I go to my parents house. My dad made cabbage with rice and that is healthy and hardly fattening. Last night I ate 75 percent of a vegetable roasted pizza from Trader Joe’s with a salad. I felt bloated and took a laxative afterwards. However, I barely pooped…and it was mostly green. I wish I had a latte from Starbucks or Minutti Coffee….

ugh…I’m ALWAYS upset…like right now, I want help with my career…but it costs $400 a month for streams on apple and Spotify !!!! And really that’s just one outlet…that’s not including the other $100 or more I spend on things for my career each month.

I have money in the bank….but that’s for my rent, music videos, recording music and taping my acting auditions…but marketing is a whole other animal!!! How can I find someone to invest in me???

i want to start vocal lessons…

did you know a packet of five – 1hour sessions- is $800?!? That’s because they are supposed to be the best in my hometown…but damn!!!

I recently had 10k sent to my house by mistake (drug money sent to the wrong address/I live in the hood)….however, that 10k was much needed.

I just want to use money wisely and not gamble it away. I feel if Jesus exists, if guardian angels exist, is God exists- HE WILL SEND THE RIGHT PEOPLE MY WAY…without me gambling the hard earned money I worked for!

I don’t know what to do anymore…I’m so sad. I should have faith right? I should still believe that it’s not over…but my mind…my mind says…you are too old, you have no connections, people just generally don’t like you, you are using Shervys Visa and that’s why you don’t have success yet, and you are slowly becoming pathetic.

however, I still have a mustard seed of faith that says: something out there is spiritual in some way bc there are too many “saves” in my life. Times where I was at the right place at the right time or curving incidents that could have affected me in an awful way.

I believe that I’m beautiful inside and out and most people aren’t used to all of that and it makes people who don’t possess these qualities, jealous of you. My brother and sister possibly don’t love me like that because they feel threatened of my impending success because they know they’ve been assholes to me, my entire life. The women at your school are simply jealous of you because you are the only one among them that is under 200 pounds(slight exaggeration..only slight). The dancers don’t want to work with you because they want you to pay them bankroll. And agents in LA don’t hire you because they know about your porn past, but there will be someone in the future who won’t give a shit.

Church has started so I’m going to watch Joel Osteen now. If you are reading this and have any advice, I won’t mind if you drop your two cents(privately encouraged). Thank you