19 ppl (& counting)

Today I watched Joel Osteen on television with Mrs. smith. In his sermon, he kind of always repeats the same thing over and over in different ways. But you can’t blame him, I guess he’s just tryna drill in everyone’s head to rely on God and to always move forward in some manner.

I was actually on his praise and worship team once, but got kicked out by a jealous choir director named Jaime (I think that was her name)…she said I was kicked out because I kept to myself and didn’t seemed involved….if you ask me- that’s even more of a reason to let someone stay on the team…

although I was hurt, I still attended the church. I went to the same church since Joel’s dad was pastor on a rural street called Lockwood.

anyways, today Joel talked about letting go to all the people who did you wrong or overlooked you. So I decided to follow his advice and name all those people now and then never mention them again … here goes…

1. Jaime – choir director of Lakewood that kicked me off the praise and worship team

2. pastor griffin- pastor who said he was bringing me to a music networking event but it was really his high school reunion and he got me drunk and groped me by cupping my breast in my sleep as we drove home

3. my sister – who encouraged me to do porn when my brain wasn’t fully developed and not thinking clearly about my future and telling me that “I have the body for it”

4. my brother- for never calling me, ever caring to check up on me, or even making any effort to be a big brother

5. Manuel- sisters husband- for having so many connections to help my career but never wanting to help me, probably because my sister never wanted him to help me…he even knows Debbie Allen

6. anarchy studios- for stealing my songs and wanting me to pay them $800 bucks to get my sessions and having to start all over from scratch

5. Sean the shister- who stole $3k from me after I flew him to New York to see me perform on the Apollo stage and telling me he was going to help me only to steal from me and even threatened me by saying he was going to reveal my porn past to everyone

6. Lionel Ritchie- for never talking to me again after I told him how much I wanted to do music and him telling me he was looking for a wife then joining American idol right after when he knew I was over the age limit which is 28

7. Nick Jonas- for thinking I was a joke as I was telling him how I loved to do music, then he passed me to one of his friends, acting like it was his manager, when I asked for any help or direction with my career

8. el debarge- for making me believe that I was going to write a song for him and helping me with my career but instead making me wait 3 hours in a rehearsal space for him & not showing up then later asking to come over to my place at midnight to “meet” and when I said no he angrily said: not every man wants you and good luck with your career …in the most spiteful way

9. Jay Roewe- for asking me if he could help me and then introducing me to some guy who had no interest in helping me and then him later not having interest in helping me afterwards even though he could easily help…he’s the senior vice president of HBO/Warner music

10. Josh Sutherland- a guy that I was referred to my Jay Roewe that told me that it’s virtually impossible to be heard on television and being a general asshole

11. rook Monroe- a songwriter for rhiannas song called desperado, who discouraged me and told me it’s virtually impossible to make it in the industry

12. Tarsha- a sister to Manuel who is a political figure in the city and is a family member through my sisters husband. She is friends with many industry people, and even worked with 50 cent but never tried to help me.

13. Jessie Campbell- a singer finalist from The Voice, who refused to help me and insulted me by saying his daughter can sing better than me…he actually said this to my face!

14. Micheal Soccio- who works for will smith at Westbrook productions who knows I want a career in the entertainment industry but offered no help when I asked for help.

15. I forgot his name…but he was a singer from my hometown that traveled to Japan to become a successful singer but never wanted to help me but he sure did try to sleep with me, even though he never got a chance…he could have totally helped me and he knew my passion but offered not even direction with my career…just remembered: Daniel M.

16. I forgot this man’s name too but he was the band leader of the first band I joined and kicked me out when I didn’t want to date/sleep with him…and he was already married I think

17. Apollo in Harlem: for never helping me! I was on their stage and they offered nothing else afterwards…NOTHING…even when I later asked for help.

18. Raven Symone- for knowing how good I was as an actress and working with her, and she never once reached out for me to be on any of her shows (she had her own show and literally could cast anyone…but she doesn’t owe me anything…but she could’ve helped)

19. for karadavis.com- for raping me on camera, stealing my virginity, drugging me & forever altering my life

20. Rost- a mean spirited special ed teacher who tried everything in his power to get me kicked out his class and even turning the students away from me…he’s really not even relevant but I never experienced such utter hatred from a man before. What a weirdo.

That’s all the people I can think of in my adult life that I feel have failed me. I release them all. I release all negativity. I release all sadness and anger. I release them and I even forgive them all…yes forgive them. I need to in order to not feel wretched inside. I need to be at peace. I mostly forgotten them all anyways…

I am saying this with a mustard seed sized faith…but I pray God will give vengeance better than I ever can. I don’t wish them harm but I do wish that they will never hurt anyone else like they did me.

i pray for the strength to move forward. I pray moving forward I will not let the thoughts of these people and their actions to linger in my mind…even if it is currently happening (like with my brother and his new wife treating me like I’m a problem instead of loving me)…

no longer will these people weigh in my mind or heart. I release them all.

Father, please remove all the bad people from my life currently. I did a great deal of removing all the people who’ve hurt me. Even Keith, who was a great help to my career in the beginning but it ended on a bad note(pun intended). His last words to me was that I was not likeable and we need to start figuring out how to get people to like me…I knew then he was not good for my mental health. I feel that way about Tony my guitarist as well…but I know you will do what’s best for me…and push those away that don’t serve my life in any positive way.

i pray you erase them from my mind…or if they are not meant to be erased…help me FOREVER remember the lesson. I learned to speak less, listen more, be more observant, slow to give money, always have a contract, never trust anyone, never drink anything or smoke anything with strangers, never feel bad for rejecting men who only want you for your body, and that a lot of people will discourage you so BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

I pray that I never think or mentioned the actions of the people on my list anymore. I’m sure there are far more people to put on the list but these are the most significant (and the only ones I can remember)…

please touch my mind and give me deliverance. Protect me from the evil actions of people in the future. Let me not hold resentment, especially against my siblings. I desperately wish for a healthy relationship but at the ages of 40, 49 & 50…I feel like it’s too late. But with you Father, all things are possible. Help me to live like Joseph by forgiving- like he did with his brothers.

I love you Father. I admit I don’t fully believe in You. I feel quite alone actually. I even feel like I am just writing to myself and that You don’t even read this…who knows how to telephone you. All I know is, i desperately want to know you and feel your presence. I hate reading so that’s why I don’t read the Bible often…but i do know the word very well….I just want to fully believe. I TRULY WANT A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP IN JESUS NAME.

help me God. Amen