The Girl Has Issues…
Mexico is less than 2 weeks away…it’s understandable that the fat girl flying dreams have started, right? Friday night’s installment was the worst:
fat rolls spilling over into another seat…tight seat belt…food tray refusing to lower due to massive belly…condescending flight attendant that raised his eyebrow when I confirmed my lowfat meal request for the flight…the other flight attendant asking my friend twice if she wanted to change her seat (we finally told her that we were travel buddies).
It was my NYC trip all over again. Yes, all of these things really happened when I flew to New York in 2001. I’ve flown since then without problems…so why is this horrible* experience resurfacing in my subconsciousness?
*Interesting that I can see the NYC flight has a horrible experience now. At the time, I had been on WW for 6 months…lost 50 lbs…and was just happy to be there.
I realize that my Mexico flight will be nothing like NYC. I’ve lost 140 lbs since then…and physically things are totally different. However, the fat girl mentality remains. When people ask me about FGM, I always tell them that I am glad to have it…it’s a constant reminder of where I came from…and where I refuse to return. However, it also makes me insecure in certain situations and hinders my ability to embrace the “new” me.
Confession: There are times when I still take the larger sizes into a dressing room…just in case the smaller size doesn’t fit. I don’t mean grabbing sizes 14 and 16. I’m talking sizes 14 and 22, etc. Apparently the larger size is my safety net? Or a link to the past that I can’t break? Who knows. I’m not qualified to analyze myself.
Anyway, Friday night’s dream had me crying on Saturday morning. I went to a spin class with added motivation. The whole episode made me realize that I was living a lie. The Fat/Happy combo works for a lot of people and I respect that. Being happy in your own skin is an accomplishment in Prozac Nation. However, that wasn’t me. I told myself I’ve been a happy person all along and that’s not true. I hated being morbidly obese. I went to school, worked, and socialized with the rest of my peers, but it’s painfully obvious now that I missed out on quite a bit. Losing weight has given me a more accurate picture of myself. Peeling back the layers to reveal The Real Slim Courtney is an addiction. I know the whole layers bit makes me sound like a daytime TV self-help onion, but the concept works.
The journey continues…
PEOPLE CAN BE SO CRUEL…IM SORRY YOU EXPIERENCED THAT…IVE BEEN READING YOUR DIARY, AND HAVE TO COME TO KNOW YOU ARE AMAZING…IM THRILLED FOR YOU….THANKS FOR STOPPING BY MY DIARY….
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thats awesome you lost so much weight…I recently lost alot of weight myself, and know what you mean about the FGM you mentioned…it makes sense for me as well
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I hate flying, too. There’s something about being in such a controlled environment that makes everything seem worse, I think.
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I admire your persistence. After losing nearly 100 lbs, I have put back most of it, and hate myself for it.
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“Layers” more reminded me of Shrek 🙂 Layers or not, I dig you for you. *hugs*
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Ya know, it’s amazing how different life is for overweight people. I hate even passing by Express or 5,7,9 because I get looks from people like “don’t even think about it”, or a sales person that greets you with, “Hi, what size were you looking for?” How rude! Like we don’t feel bad enough! Oh well maybe someday I can find the courage that you have and show all the skinny heifas where its at! -AW
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Loved this entry. I often tell my mom about your progress. Its awesome. I just read her parts of this entry. She said You were a good writer! I said, I know, shes awesome! I feel like I have been sharing your journey for 2 years. You rock girl! (Jackie)
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OMG…I just looked at your web site! You look sooo GOOD! I am so proud of you! I wish I had a little bit of your motivation…I know I want to lose weight but I’m kind of having trouble stayin’ motivated!
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I’ve been following your diary for over a year. I keep checking in every few months.(I think last time I stopped by was around 280) You look fabulous! Just a question, have you updated your driver’s license picture? I know a woman who lost over 100 pounds, but never got a new ID. She was pulled over and the officer didn’t believe it was her! Just a dumb anecdote I guess.
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I just visted your web site…what an inspiration you are. WoW!!!! Keep up the outstanding lifesyle change!!!! I joined WW this past week (for the second time) I have about 100 pounds to go to reach my goal weight. Not trying to look that far ahead tho… one day at a time. Just to reach the 10% would be great:)
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My fear is not airline seats, but roller coaster seats. I love them, but my rear is too big and I am always afraid of the safety bar not being able to lock into place.
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Those dreams and thoughts are a natural anxiety about backtracking on your accomplishments. I know an alcoholic who described vivid drinking dreams where she drank and despaired…she could smell the alcohol when she woke up before she realized it was a horrible dream. The great thing about your flight is that you’ll be able to replace a horrible memory with a better one.
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You are so correct! I suspect the whole fat and happy is for the most part a lie… it sure was for me although I tried my best. And what is up with that fat mentality? I take in like everysize from a 14 (still too small, lol) to a 20 or 22! BTW, What is an FGM? I have a little idea but I’m just positive.
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Let me tell you it is COOL to have to shorten the seat belt. they have made seats smaller and smaller. It is really wonderful to fly and sit the seats. You know in your heart that you will NEVER give a heavy person that look when they approach your seat and sit next to oyu. EVER. Our society feels so comfortable making fun of heavy people. Are to requesting the aisle? I like the leg room
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I bet after this trip, no more bad dreams. God bless
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You are so motivational!!!
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u know, its interesting how our pasts can haunt us. even though we have changed and made strides to be better. i saw ur website and girl u have worked so hard to finding a healthier life style. kudos to u! i hope that no matter what ghosts haunt u, u have a great trip. prove to the FGM that you dont need her anymore!! 🙂 RYN: thanks for ur note. it was great at the gym! i felt so much better!
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Keep up the good work. I battle the same demons…even though I have lost almost 30 lbs and gone down dress sizes, I still have a hard time seeing a thinner person in the mirror and the same thing at the clothing stores (bring 14 to 26 in with me…eventually it will sink in. It is like having a fun house mirror. Keep up the good work, have a great trip, and banish the demons for now. (JC)
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you should have called me Chica! i think it’s the emotional shit we have to wade through that takes it’s biggest toll. you seem to be handling it so well!!
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No time for analyzing once, hot cabana boy is rubbing you down with oil and lotion! (((hugs)))
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I understand completely. I’ve been having a difficult with this whole weight loss thing. I’m so proud of you. You have made some amazing accomplishments. Don’t worry yourself. Buenos dias senorita.
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Hi, found ya at random.. I was wondering- Could you tell me how many points would be allowed for someone of my weight? (215 lbs.) I haven’t formally *joined* WW but I have the older 123 Success books from when my aunt was on it a few years ago. I think at the time my range was like 28-31 points a day or something. Any info is appreciated. Thanks. And congrats to you on your weightloss!
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I hear you might have a good WW chocolate chip cookie recipie, any truth in this rumor? 😉
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I just found your website tonight~congratultions on your amazing progress. I’ve fallen off of the WW wagon majorly, but your journal entries have given me motivation. Thank you for that.
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RYN: Oy- 26?? I’ve been going by 30! :'( Thanks for the response though- I appreciate it.
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I was very interested in your comment about the two sizes. I have gone from a 18 to a 14 and, yes, I occasionally take an 18 and a 14 into the changing room…
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RYN: Yes it’s the same forum, girl. My name there is DivaTai. That is too funny! I have learned so much about my hair it’s unbelievable. I’m addicted and I’ve bought so many new products that it’s riduculous. I’ll have to look for you there!
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Re: FGM, REMEMBER, you may have missed out on a lot of things in your past – but think of all the things in the future that you can look forward to now that you are being healthy and responsible! You can do so much more, and feel good about yourself and your choices. It is hard not to reflect and think about wasted years, but you are young, and have plenty ahead of you.
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