Monday Musings…
Good Morning Sunshines!
Yes, I know it’s strange for me to be in a good mood on a Monday. I just feel so positive about my weight loss journey and I’m back into seek and destroy mode. I coasted for a long time…but I’m back now…and ready to finish the second half of this weight loss thang.
My current weight: 209 lbs…10 lbs over my lowest recorded weight, but I’m ok with that. It may take me months to get back down to onederland, but I’ll get there. As most of you know, I’ve taken a major hiatus from WW meetings. The reasons? The family drama I had a few months ago, my unpredictable work schedule, mild depression and a general lackluster attitude towards the meeting philosophy.
I’m sure this next bit may rub a few people the wrong way, but it has to be said…
I truly believe part of my little weight loss meltdown had to do with my journey being so public. How else do you explain reaching your lowest weight ever as an adult…and then immediately diving into a big vat of self-sabotage? I freaked out…panicked…flaked. The pressure was too much. I was 29 lbs from goal weight. 29 lbs! The emails I received after reaching this monumental achievement were great…but a lot of them added to the pressure. After 4 years of offering the real deal, I cracked under pressure. The majority of the emails I receive are from people sharing their personal stories and cheering me on. Those are wonderful and I’m very grateful. However, some emails take a different tone. Suggesting I’m an expert…giving me status that ranks over the average person…even some that refer to me as a savior. Come on, now..wouldn’t that freak anyone else out a bit?
While my own WW meetings weren’t that drastic, I did start to feel uncomfortable being the "example". Yes, I’ve lost a lot of weight and changed my life. I still have my bad days/weeks/months. While struggling, I contemplated joining a different meeting…just so I can be a total stranger again. I also considered "ending" my current membership/stats and "rejoining" at my current start weight. I think it would be neat to celebrate the "first" pounds lost again…the excitement of reaching 10% and receiving the 25lb magnet. Does it sound crazy? Probably…because this journey has made me nuts. 
So…I haven’t decided what my next step will be. I do miss my leader and the meeting regulars…but I’m not missing the spotlight. Right now I feel the need to put in some serious work and stick a fork (WHY must it always be a food reference, Courtney?) in the weight loss aspect of my journey. Yes, I know the real work begins at maintenance, but I can’t obsess over that now.
My schedule should slow down a bit this summer, so maybe I’ll head back to meetings next month. At some point, I stopped doing this 100% for myself. I think that’s great that other people pull inspiration from my story…but I can’t lose weight for anyone else. I can’t feel like I’ve disappointed people by not reaching goal in a timely manner. Does this mean I don’t want to hear from others in the struggle? Of course not. Some days we all need to be reminded that we’re not alone. 🙂
I apologize if this came across as unappreciative drama queen fluff. I know some of you understand where I’m coming from. :::waving to the other "back row" WW members:::
Hope you all have a great day…
-C is for Creating a different mindset…
*hug* I remember getting tired of that, too. I lost steadily, every week, until I knew people were looking at me for advice in my meeting. It definitely made me uncomfortable… …but I also know that for me it was really all about a fear of being thin and being regarded as beautiful and/or a sex object. I couldn’t handle it… and that’s when I dove headfirst into the self-sabotage pool.–
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I can totally understand that. You do what is right for YOU, don’t worry about the rest of us. 🙂 *HUGS*
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…anyway, you do what you have to do — even if it’s going quiet on this diary or only talking about non-WW stuff. Whatever you need. You know we’ll be here!–
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Girl, I checked out your webpage this weekend. Although I understand you not wanted to be in the spotlingt, I am so proud of you! Your journey should inspire others (as we are all here to help others and ourselves see potential in some form) but not to the point where it becomes worship like. Do what is best for you, but remember that you have support. Keep your head up and keep moving!
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I totally understand where you are coming from. I lost (85lb) before and could not believe how -all of a sudden-people place you in a different spot on the “WW Journey food chain.” All of a sudden YOU are the ONE (Matrix soundtrack playing in the background)to talk to. After gaining back 50 of them – the pressure is on me now for letting myself and others down. You must do what is best for you
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I think it’s a great idea girl! Pressure can be a killer and if you start fresh, it might be easier to reach goal. You’re so smart.
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Yes, yes, yes, welcome to my world hon, having the website and having our success so “out there” adds wayyyy lots of pressure. I even took my email address off my website! And then being a greeter at WW, that really makes it tough, it does not get much more public than that. That’s why I deeply need to NOT go to WW now, because this WW thing can truly be about me and not about THEM.
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If you want to go back and you know it can benefit you, go for it, and I think it is a great idea to start fresh at a different meeting or location. I wish I felt safe enough to do that, unfortunately the WW locations here are staffed by all the same people, I know them all, the receptionists and leaders “travel” from center to center.
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I was in your WW meeting, which is how I found out about your website, and always wondered if you ever felt uncomfortable at being “the example.” You’re not crazy at all. Frankly, I don’t blame you a bit for wanting to “start over.” You should do whatever it takes. Just as you said, this is YOUR journey. You can travel it in whatever way works best for you. (cherrylifesaver)
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209…Damn, I saw that same number this weekend. Briefly. Good luck to you as you find your way on your journey, and I hope you find what works for you.
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You might be happy to know that although you are probably an amazing and extraordinary woman (of course), I don’t consider you a saviour. With about 180+ lbs. to lose, and 36 down so far, reading your diary, however, has helped me tremendously if only to know that I wasn’t alone. I appreciate your willingness to be so open with your struggles thus far and how you’ve handled them. cherrylifesave
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*waves* AMEN SISTER! funny how we both have made the decision to turn it back on like it should be. you know you’re an example to me…but it’s your DETERMINATION and HUMOR that are my examples. your determination and humor color your entire life. 🙂
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I think that joining a new group with different stats in an excellent idea. I can only imagine how being the weight loss messenger sent from heaven above would be a little crazy after a while! 209–girl, that is fabulous! Fab, fab, fabulous!
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I think you’re great Courtney!
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You do what you need for YOU. I have always admired how open you have been about your wl journey, and miss you when you are not posting…not like “gotta-stalk-my-favorite WW person” missing, but just “hey, wonder how C. is doing…” kind of missing. If that makes sense at all, lol! Have to say, the wl posts are interesting, but the non wl posts are most fun… Linette
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I can totally understand. You’re right–it can be a lot of pressure. I’m glad you’ve refocused and recognized what the problem was. Good for you! What are you doing for WW right now? Are you doing it online?
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That makes total sense. Do what you need to do!
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Well, it’s sposed to be about you. Why not tell your leader that when you start getting regular again, you’d just like to be the slightly pudgy girl in row 3, not the miracle of the new millenium? She should do what you ask.
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guess what! plans have changed…i’m going to take vacation the week of LAF 😀 that way, even if i don’t ride, i can cheer ya on. (still gonna go see Wicked at Dallas Summer Musicals) i’ll keep ya posted 😉
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good luck!
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Well said. Thank you for your honesty!! Smooches…
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There are a lot of weight loss blogs out there. Yours stands out because you come across as a funny and interesting person with a variety of interests, who’s getting out there and living life and doing things a lot of us are afraid to try. It’s not because of all the weight you have lost.
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Girl you DO NOT have to apologize. I totally understand what you are saying. I myself am guilty of putting the Queen Bee title on you. The only reason to work hard and lose wieght has to be for yourself. Seriously C no matter what, you are an inspiration. You don’t have to be in the spotlight if you don’t wanna. I love you! And I’ll totally post comparison pictures. 🙂
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Hi C. I don’t post much but I do check in to see how things are going. I appreciate how open you are on your journey it keeps it real for me to know that I’m not in the boat alone. 🙂 Thanks for your site. God Bless, Jeanne.
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yes I did the sme thing. Food will always be a form of comfort food. But I also know how to lose the weight. I am looking forward to gettimg my bike out this week end.
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