American Idol Review
I found this on the Black Voices entertainment message board. It’s funny as hell…you know I had to share. 🙂
Adieu, adieu to you and you and you…
by J. Danielle Daniels
Greetings, Africana readers, from the Jacksonville International Airport. Im here to inform you all that after Trenyces unjust departure, I am officially revoking my American citizenship, moving to the beautiful city of Versailles, looking up Alfred Largange and living happily ever after. Between our idiotic president, the war to liberate oil wells and now this, I really dont see the advantages of living here anymore. This is a country that not only kept Josh Im a Marine! No, really! Gracin in this competition, but didnt even send him to the bottom two. I no longer trust my fellow citizens, especially not around telephones.
Wait. You all wanted a recap still? Didnt you just hear me say that Trenyce is gone? What more is there to say? Fine, but only because itll be one of my last acts as an American citizen.
When Ryan Seacrest states that the final five are going to sing not one, but two songs, it sounds more like a threat than anything enjoyable. To top it all off, Wednesdays guest judge was Neil Sedaka. I cant think of anyone who likes Neil Sedaka other than my aunt, who would leave her husband and kids for this man. Im not too sure why. In case youre all scratching your heads, saying, Who? dont feel too badly. Neil Sedaka is the white Smokey Robinson that is, other people sang all of his greatest hits. So listening to Kim Locke gush about how much she loves Neils work because his words just touch her God, shut up, Kim. How many people under 25 (other than myself) know all of the lyrics to Laughter in the Rain?
The theme was Sixties Hits/Neil Sedaka Songs. Ruben kicks the night off singing, Aint Too Proud to Beg. Holy crud! Rubens got on a real shirt with matching pants! And hes got a haircut! I can see his head! It looks like a Milk Dud! I want to bite his head! (Not that head, you guys get your heads out of the gutter.) His second tune, Breaking Up Is Hard to Do, isnt quite on the mark. But hey, thats Big Rube Studdard. If he has an off night, he can have it.
Someone mustve lit a fire under Trenyces skinny bird legs (see, readers? I make fun of skinny people, too!), because she gave more energy in her performances of Proud Mary and Love Will Keep Us Together than she has during her entire AI stay. And she actually looks like shes having fun. I think Trenyce knew it was her last show, so she may as well cut loose. What did she have to lose?
Kim sings Gladys Knights version of I Heard It Through the Grapevine. As usual, Kim starts off in the key she wants to (the key of clueless) as opposed to the key shes supposed to begin on. Sigh. In contrast, her second song, Where the Boys Are, is all but flawless. This is what Kim sounds like when shes trying to sing on key and in her range, as opposed to trying to sound sexy. Its absolutely brilliant, and it saves her a trip to the bottom two.
Josh managed to find his country accent this week, and he drags through some song Ive never heard of. Its country, its corny, its pitchy, and its bad. Even more ironic than Josh singing, If it dont work out, lets say goodbye (oh, if only we could, Josh! If only!) is his second selection is Bad Blood. Too easy, Drill Sergeant; too easy. Reminiscent of Aint Going Down (Til the Sun Comes Up), Josh sings syllables that dont translate to words. Ist er Sprechen deutsch?
He channels his inner Carmen for the chorus: B-a-a-a-a-a-a-d blu-u-u-u-u-u-u-d! Somebody kill it!
For Clays first selection, he sings Build Me Up Buttercup. Its official: Clay is gay. Straight men do not sing Build Me Up Buttercup. In Clays defense, its a wonderful performance. For once, he actually did something different. I think I even saw something resembling a hip shake.
Clays second performance is Solitaire, the game that his little teenybopper fans play when theyre in their beds alone at night, not knowing that Clay isnt even thinking about those poor girls. The lights go dim, and theres this one ray of light that shines onto some man. Panicking, I fear that its the coming of the second Messiah. As I begin to list all the sins I need to repent for since Easter, I realize that its just Clay, whos trying to make love to me with his eyes. Stop that, Clay! Of course, its technically perfect and emotionally flat. Still, its quite good. If Clay would just stop fluttering his eyelashes like he lost his virginity to Justin Timberlake, I might learn to really like him.
Thursday night is an hour-long show to drag out Trenyces eventual departure. We see the AI kids at the X2 performance, and on the set of Boston Public with Americas true idol, Tamyra Gray. Some of the booted contestants come back to sing What The World Needs Now with the final five and Burt Bacharach. Its another opportunity for the AI contestants to whore themselves shamelessly raise money for charity. Dont forget to buy the single, or youre Un-American.
Justin Guarini is back, and someone apparently kicked him in the testicles before he came out, because the pitch in his voice rivals Michael Jacksons. He talks about his upcoming movie Crap on the Beach or whatever its called, but I just cant look at the screen because he looks exactly like Sideshow Bob. Any second now, hes going to jump up and say, Die, Bart! Die! Justin sings an original song about a woman being beautiful, beautiful, bee-oo-tee-ful. I see he attended the Kelly Clarkson School of Innovative Songwriting.
So, 40 long minutes later, we finally get to hear what weve already known. Kimberley is safe. The Son of God is safe. Trenyce may as well have just stood on the seal before the votes were announced. So now its down to Ruben and Josh. The judges didnt like Josh. They liked Ruben. Common sense should tell us that the second person going on the seal is Ruben. Josh is safe. For a minute, I just stare at my screen in horror, because I know I havent heard what I thought I heard. But no, theres Ruben lumbering to the bottom two, and theres Josh, sitting on the couch with his head between his hands. Die, Doughboy, die!
Just 24 hours after being compared to a drag act, and being told in every language short of Braille that she simply wasnt good enough, Trenyce is finally given the boot. White America breathes a collective sigh of relief one Negro down, with one-and-a-half to go. I check my bank account to ensure that I have enough money to make it to France. Trenyce looks as if she could care less. She bows out of this competition at the top of her game, and with class and dignity. Cheers to her.
Well, thats all from me. My flight is leaving soon. Viva le France. So long farewell, Auf Weidersehen, goodbye America!
J. Danielle Daniels is a journalist attending Florida A&M University. At the French border, she was ordered back to the United States to finish the American Idol recaps under penalty of life imprisonment. She can be reached at Le Sante Prison in Paris.
Ha that was funny! But seriously, even us white folks were pissed last week! Josh should have been kicked to the curb!
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Yes Josh is not where it’s at. UGH. This was too funny!
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That was hysterical!
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i can’t say i watch the show so most of this was lost on me … feh. loves,
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This cracked my ass up!!! But I must also say that not all whites breathed a sigh of relief at schitzo Josh getting to stay. I mean, pop or country?? PICK ONE! I’m rooting for Ruben muhself. The line about Josh finding his inner Carmen? AAAHAHAHAHAHA!
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This was the best thing I’ve read all day. I’m still laughing….
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