Weekending

I had an opening Saturday afternoon way out in Scarborough so I went and got on a shuttle bus and ate opening food (which is basically a giant charcuterie) and then watching my friend who was the curator talk and she wanted me to say something about my work so I did and then I went and sat in a room after on my phone half watching my friend’s film. And then the curator and I drove back downtown.

I was gonna stay home but then my friend Billie invited me out dancing. And I checked the guest list and Kate was listed as Interested. So really I just went because I hoped to dance with her again. I really wanted to kiss her. I made sure my Invisaligns were clean, I had brushed, I was staying hydrated, I did a lip scrub before I went. Ha ha omg I was prepared! I even brought my night meds with me in the crazy event we’d go back to her place. I don’t know why I did that, I’m not ready to have sex on the first date still. I still want to take my time.

Anyway, Kate did not come. I mentioned to Billie that she and I were gonna hang out in March. She said “Like a date?” I was like yeah I think so. I hope so. She said she’s really unavailable, like always doing school stuff or dealing with health issues. Billie only sees her a couple times a year. But then she also said availability changes for different people. Which is kind of like what I wanted to say like “But what about for a girlfriend???” Cause I’m sure she is looking for one based on how she talked with me when we met. But then Billie said she didn’t want to discourage me, and that Kate is really smart and cool and awesome. And a top.

And inside my submissive little heart was like jumping for joy because I’ve felt for so long that I haven’t been finding tops. And now this one is really a top?? OMG I was so happy and so turned on. And like a million fantasies based on stuff I have long wanted flooded through my brain and sort of this hope for someone who can be sexual with me in a way that is compatible with me. That blows my mind honestly.

Okay so I have had two partners who were definitely more toppy, AD and also Rayanne. And neither of those worked out but I still have fond thoughts of them and we are still talking and friends. But even with them, it didn’t totally click. Maybe because we were young. I don’t know. I don’t know if I ever properly told a lover what I wanted and how I feel desire. Like it’s pretty specific.

That’s the other thing I am super shy of. Negotiating sex with someone again. The last time I had sex she and I were both drunk and it was like standard oral and penetration and then going to sleep and not very passionate and she was like done with me the next day. And that’s not really how I want it. Like I DO like those things, but it’s kind of like only two acts and I probably like doing at least 20 different things. Not all in one night! But like, I like a variety and I dunno. I’ve never really HAD a lover who could do me the right way. And probably part of that is me holding back about my desires, but also probably the other part is that I just never really had a lot of sex with someone except for AD.

And I think there is also the issue that I haven’t had a lover as a sober person yet. Like I haven’t even kissed someone the whole time I have been sober. It’s getting easier to tell women I am attracted to them. But for various reasons, asking for a kiss is not something I’ve been in a position to do. Like they’ve been straight, or partnered, or whatever just it hasn’t worked out. And I really miss kissing, it is probably my favourite thing to do with someone. I never asked Jessie to kiss her, for instance. Even though I really wanted to. But Kate is available and it wouldn’t be crazy to ask to kiss her when we hang out.

I just always relied on getting loaded and then being brave enough to kiss people. Which isn’t the greatest. Some people say when you get sober it’s like you’re back at the age you were when you started using, because it hinders your maturity. I don’t know if I believe that. But MOST if not all of the sexual activity I had when I was young involved booze in some way. So yeah ahhhhhh.

But it would be lovely to kiss someone while I am sober. I think it would be nice to kiss Kate.

I dunno! We’ll see. I mean she hasn’t messaged me or anything in the last few days so maybe she is not into it. BUT also she said she was busy so maybe she is just busy. I am really not gonna know until we see each other.