Tired on Valentines

I was so fucking tired today. I decided to drop out of my ASL class. I am just gonna miss too many of them to keep up. I was sad about dropping out. But fuck, I went and talked in a class, after writing a script, and I was just fucking beat. I’ve been working myself way too hard to keep making money, and it is taking a toll on my body. Now of course I am going to Thunder Bay tomorrow to do a talk and a performance and watch some videos. I’m nervous about going to Thunder Bay because I don’t want to be murdered. I don’t know how to express that on my facebook to my friends. It’s funny because I’ve traveled to major centres that have had terror attacks, and been so close to actual terror attacks by days or hours. And I always felt like no I wasn’t gonna live in fear, I was gonna go where I want and see what I want.

But I do live in fear. And it’s specific fear because I’m Indigenous and Queer. For instance there are countries I can never go to because the penalty for being queer there is death. And being Indigenous makes some places in Canada very scary to go. And Thunder Bay is one of those places. I don’t even feel safe taking a cab there because cab drivers do shit to Indigenous people too.

I’ve never been to Thunder Bay before. I’m gonna try wearing all my winter gear and hoping no one spots me for anything unusual. I’m nervous.

I didn’t get any romantic messages or anything this Valentines. No one messaged me but my cousins, which was nice but obviously not romantic. I was secretly hoping Kate would message me, but also I knew it was way too fucking loaded of a day to send a message to someone you have just met. I would have maybe messaged her…. no I wouldn’t have. I’m already nervous that I have scared her off.

My cousin Dee keeps trying to cheer me up and being like “Five stars for putting yourself out there!” and that’s sweet, but there’s still this soft desire I have that Kate would reciprocate. And all my friends are like “She’s busy and so are you and you said you’d hang out in March” and I’m like yeah but….. UGH I just really don’t want to be stuck desiring someone who doesn’t desire me back, AGAIN. And it’s really rare for me to feel this kind of chemistry with someone.

Really it just takes someone looking at me in a really dominant suggestive way to make me fall all over myself wanting more. That’s how Jessie started our whatever that was emotional affair. She stood in front of me and made me look up at her and she was looking down at me with this hungry suggestive smile and this dominant eye contact and this little submissive desire sort of welled up in my chest and came out while I looked up at her.

And then it all went to hell eventually.

BUT Kate did that to me too, she was talking to our friend Billie who is her friend, and she looked down at me while I was sitting and just got this suggestive devilish sly dominant smile on her face and then carried on talking to Billie. But it made me ache and realize maybe something was there. I think I knew she was a top then, even though it wasn’t until a week later when Billie told me she was a top.

That smile is such a femme top move.

But yeah, she hasn’t gotten in touch with me yet, not since the last time we talked. Which isn’t even that long ago, like it’s maybe a week ago. And we did know we were both busy. And the thing is I am so fucking busy I am exhausted and just trying to recover in between those moments working. And I know honestly I couldn’t give her the kind of attention I want to give her right now. After Texas I can. And the Texas trip is just next week.

I guess I just feel like it would be nice to get a like on something on facebook or something. Some kind of validation that she might honestly think I am cool enough to date. Because right now all she is doing is posting the occasional fucking cute selfie on Facebook and that’s it.

I just don’t want to chase someone who doesn’t want it is really my issue. And she’s a top, and I don’t know if she prefers to do the chasing because of that. Or because she is a femme does she prefer to get chased? I can’t believe I am 40 fucking years old and I am asking these elementary questions.

Anyway. I should go to bed soon. I washed some dishes, I should wash some more. So that I don’t have a disgusting sink to come back to. I will probably write more here from the hotel tomorrow night. I’m so bummed to go to a hotel again. I’m so bummed to travel.