Stuck at home

I hate being stuck at home. It’s funny because generally I love being home, I have my dogs, my food, my tv, this place. I can do whatever. But when it’s like, I NEED to stay home, god it’s boring.

I am still sick, had a coughing fit this morning when I woke up. It’s getting better but also ughhhhh I don’t know how long this will last. AD told me to rest so I am trying to stick to that.

I’m in this weird position where old old old thoughts about Jessie are cropping up, and I just keeps shooting them down with reality. Like she wasn’t able to communicate with me about our issues, she’s not in love with me, blah blah blah. I don’t even know why these thoughts are coming up when I didn’t feel particularly attracted to her the last time I saw her. And I have this drop dead gorgeous woman coming to visit me in a few months to have some hot cuddly kinky sex with me. Like why am I bothering with thinking about Jessie? Ugh drives me nuts.

I am kind of thinking that maybe it has to do with my desire to get serious about starting a family. Which is even more ridiculous because Jessie didn’t want babies. But it’s more like maybe my brain is just skipping through sort of recent desires to find someone to hang onto as an ideal mate. And really right now there isn’t anyone. I’m trying to fit puzzle pieces together that just don’t fit at all. And I am sure there is someone out there, I just wish my brain would stop trying to trick me into putting all these hopes on hopeless people.

I don’t have much else to say today. Thinking of watching Netflix and eating cheese or something, who knows.

I hope I didn’t get my collective sick with that meeting the other day.

I’m so tired.