SOOOOO the ants were hibernating

Fucking ants are back and active as fuck. I’m so pissed, I’m going to demand my co-op fumigate this apartment on Monday. It’s so stupid and gross in here.

I went to work, it was good, we talked about many things. I listened mostly. I got to leave early because we are gonna meet again next week.

I went to this screening tonight of films our festival made with this production centre and our students/participants, but only one participant/filmmaker showed up out of all of them, and I was the only festival person there, AND the only mentor since the other one didn’t come. We had a decent crowd of people. But yeah, I was disappointed in who didn’t show up. Jessie was always a questionable one to show up, and of course she didn’t and I wasn’t really surprised after all. But Mutual Friend who is the other main person with the festival didn’t show up either and that was disappointing. Although to be fair to her she often has illness/disability related things keeping her at home. Still the fact that none of the other festival people came was kind of a bummer to be honest. Like it was such important work and to snub it was kind of douchey. And then the fact that only one of the filmmakers, and me, were there, that was kind of lametown. Anyway obviously I can’t bitch about it on Facebook cause almost all the people I am disappointed in are my fucking facebook friends INCLUDING Miss Lametown Canada, Jessie. So yeah I am bitching about them all here. HA!

I dunno, I guess part of me DID hope Jessie would come, so I could tell her my BIG secret news, which is coming out soon, before it’s made public. And then so I could tell her about the work I am doing now with this other Big Government Company that I was doing today. Like I dunno I guess I wanted to brag to her and make her regret rejecting me and I know how fucking stupid that sounds. Trust me I know totally it’s a crappy idea to think she would regret it because of my success. And she wouldn’t anyway, she works with famous/successful people everyday, she’s like so whatever about it. And she has resentment towards me anyway for telling her I had feelings. And then trying to be her friend. I sometimes feel so stupid not cluing in that she was afraid of me and annoyed by me. Like yeah she wouldn’t come tonight anyway.

I think really my only crime with her was being honest. She hated it I guess. And then I dunno I guess she was just too polite to tell me she was never gonna be alone with me again and never wanted to text with me again. Ugh she is a fucking asshole. I wish she had rejected me right off the bat too, instead of taking a week to turn me down, and I wish she hadn’t flirted when she would see me. She’s a fucking dick.

Anyway yeah, the less I see her the better anyway. I’m gonna see her at a meeting sometime. I don’t know when. I don’t know if my news will be out by then. It could come out any day. Anytime in the next two weeks. AND THEN SHE’LL BE SORRY! Ha ha jk. I did want to tell her myself though. And now it will be something she reads online. And if she reacts it will probably only be a crappy “like” and not a comment or anything. And even though I know she won’t reach out about it, part of me will be waiting for her to message me and it will never come. It will be like it’s nothing to her, like I’m nothing to her which I guess is true. UGHHH fuck feelings. Feelings suck.

No they don’t, this particular situation sucks and I hate it. I mostly hate that she doesn’t want to even be my friend but still wants to call me her friend. But was she ever a good friend?

There’s also this fear I have about this news making people jealous. Like I know that’s part of life. But other people’s jealousy weirds me out because it can make them treat me shitty like they think they need to take me down a peg. And it’s like I’m not rubbing this in their faces. On the other hand the friends who know have been really happy for me.

I think the main people who count in my life will be happy for me.

It’s sad being an artist sometimes, especially when you are in love with someone who doesn’t love you back. Like I wish I could present this entirely gorgeous piece of art that would make Jessie finally love me. But she’s come to a screening of mine that was almost all of my videos I have ever made and she still doesn’t love me. And if she didn’t love me after that then like that’s it, it’s not happening ever. Like that was the best of me and all of me and she has also seen me be vulnerable and silly and sad during our “friendship” she was so weird about and that didn’t make her fall in love either. Like it’s just not happening ever. It’s a lost cause.

I know she’s not the last person I’m ever gonna love deeply. I mean I am probably for sure gonna love someone even more and it will be someone who can be with me for the rest of my life and be a good partner who loves me back. It’s just sad trying to be loveable and failing. Like it’s like what is wrong with me that she doesn’t even want to be my friend? It’s just a sad feeling I need to work through.

The thing is I knew she wouldn’t ever be my girlfriend. I knew I loved her and I knew I wanted her and I knew we had chemistry, but I sort of always knew it would never happen between us. I’m sad she won’t be my friend though. But maybe that would hold me back anyway from being open to someone new. And I do want to find someone new. It won’t happen right away.

I don’t know how I feel about finding love after I get successful. Like will part of me always wonder if it’s just my success in my career that made them fall in love? I think everyone wants to know they will be loved at their lowest point, that someone isn’t just scooping them up on the upswing. I don’t think I’ve ever been properly loved by someone. I mean in a way that treated me respectfully. But I also know I would have been a bad partner when I was drinking till I blacked out and puked, and being high and lazy all day, and like just how shitty things got. I had a girlfriend once after some heavy trauma and when I look back on our relationship now from a position of relative emotional well being, I imagine me being kind of slumped over and broken next to her and her trying to prop me up again. And it was sort of true of our relationship and yeah, although that was never a physical situation that happened between us. It would make a good image in a movie though. ANYWAY yeah I was hard to love I guess I dunno. That’s an awful thing to say.

But with Jessie I was in a good place, I was sober, making money, being creative, and being really emotionally open and vulnerable with her and more honest than I’ve been with anyone and she still didn’t fall in love with me. I know it’s mostly because she had a partner. Like logically I know if the timing had been better and she had been single I would have had a genuine chance. But I didn’t. And even knowing that it still feels shitty to know she never fell for me. What a crappy thing to think.

On the OTHER hand, maybe it’s a good thing for me to know that I can finally be genuinely surprised someone didn’t fall in love with me. Instead of expecting me to be unloveable like OF COURSE she didn’t fall in love. It means my self esteem is way better.

I know it’s gonna happen. Not with her. With someone better. Who I don’t know. But I’m still sad.