Rejection Resilience

What a sad day. Last night I went to bed late and I was on Twitter so I saw the news coming out of Christchurch. It makes me so upset, and when I woke up they said 49 Muslim people had been murdered. I knew it was a lot before I went to sleep, but this was the first time I heard the number and it was so horrifying. I don’t know what to say about it, just that it’s hard to talk about my life when dark shit like this happens.

In my own life, I dunno. Today has been okay I guess. I went to a meeting about a film I am working on, I realized I know a DOP who I want to work with and I trust and so I didn’t bring up his name but I’m gonna hire him I think. He was my producer for this other thing I did last year. I need to get an editor and an actor now.

On the way home I got an email that this other deadline I had looming got moved seven days back so like thank god for that because it was pretty close to this other deadline and now there is more room for me to pay attention to these projects properly. The deadline that got moved back is important too because it’s for a performance that these curators want to come and see and they are fucking BIG TIME curators and so I want to do a really good job.

I had planned to write AD a flirty email when I got home. And I did. But I felt so overwhelmingly insecure while writing it. I’m just really fucking used to being rejected, and she hasn’t rejected me, she’s been very keen on wanting to go on dates with me, and while I haven’t gotten a response from her yet I know she will probably be receptive. But I still can’t help but feel terrified like she’s going to crush my heart with some mean response. It’s funny because I trust her and she’s initiated a lot of this current flirtatious energy between us, and has literally told me she wants to come see me and have sex with me, and yet STILL I am terrified.

I think I’ve just gotten rejected for so long that I expect it now. Like I just don’t conceive of myself as being someone who someone would be interested in having a fling with or to flirt with.

And I wrote it so carefully. Like I didn’t write out a raunchy long fantasy I want to do with her or anything, it was a check in really around boundaries and expectations and she’d probably think it was sweet. But still I wish I felt more confident like of course someone wants to get this kind of email from me. Of course AD would be excited to learn that there are things I want to do with her that I haven’t done yet. Like of course she would find it sweet that I want to respect her boundaries and have something hot between us.

I think Jessie kind of fucked up my head. I was so confused. And then in the emails we had that made her so upset she had kind of responded to me like “Why would you think I loved you?!” and I know it’s like fair of her to say but it also really hurt especially because she did seem to love me. And then I was left being like “What was real? Was any of that real? Was I just bothering her the whole time? Was she really just scared of me? Am I fucking crazy?” And then I’m left with this feeling like any time I make a bid for affection or romance or flirting from someone else I’m gonna be faced with this same kind of gaslighting rejection.

Like suddenly AD is gonna be like “Why do you think I want to have sex with you? Why do you think you can tell me you love me? Where do you get off?”

UGH fuck.

Maybe I have a ways to go before I am ready to love and be loved. I don’t know. I need to learn to trust my senses again. I need to learn that people DO find me desirable and cute and stuff.

AHHHHH shit I’m crying but I just got a notice on my phone that my friend’s house show is today so I should probably go over there and see their band play. I DID want to go out.

FUCK if I am at a queer ass house party when AD decides to send me a fucking heartbreaking mean email I’ll be crushed. I can’t live like this! And yet I need to be resilient for rejection. ugh shit.