Oncoming Encounter

Sooooo. Okay a few things.

Well one is that the woman who messaged me out of the blue asking for a date finally got back to me last night, a WEEK after I had messaged her. I don’t have high hopes for this one but we are going for a date in a couple weeks when she comes back from a trip. So who knows, might be okay. I still feel kind of suspicious after she didn’t get back to me for a week. Not cool.

Also I have an hours long meeting with Jessie on Saturday. I mean also with the whole collective/festival people. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I was sort of looking forward to it until we had to fill out this survey and were supposed to be “honest” with our answers and I was for the most part but then I got to this question that was “Have you had interpersonal conflict with someone in the collective? What happened?” And it’s like noooo no no no I don’t want to bring this up. It sounds so bad on my end and all of my “But she flirted with me and lead me on” just sounds like so much bullshit. Okay in the simplest of terms it sounds awful, I formed a friendship and fell in love with someone with a partner and then she pretended to be okay with me for a year after I told her of my feelings until one day she exploded all over me and took everything out on me when I confessed to being confused and wanted to talk about it. And it’s complicated and I honestly did think she was in an open relationship when we started talking because she had come on to me so heavy when we first became friends and was messaging me until 1 in the morning on the weekends and sending each other cute emojis and her damn blushy face emojis and messaging me on Christmas Day being super cute and FUCK it did feel like she was encouraging it. But who is gonna believe that??? Especially with all her protestations and whatever she wrote in her survey. She’s STILL with her partner, she’s STILL looking straight up monogamous, we don’t even talk anymore.

Anyway I felt weird so I just said a friendship went awry but we seem to work together fine and I didn’t want to talk about it. It’s just kind of heartbreaking what happened, to get played so hard and get blamed for it all in the end. And we DO still have to work together okay, I understand this, and I think I can put it aside over this next year. But I really don’t want to end up in some kind of group lesbian/queer processing circle with the rest of the collective members. It’s none of their business really, and our conflict didn’t have to do with the collective itself, it was about her being a fucking asshole and blaming me for our entire emotional affair. And our fucked up loser emotional affair is not the business of anyone else.

Except the people reading this cause you don’t know any of us.

Anyway, I’m not really looking forward to this now, because I’m worried the facilitators are gonna somehow put me in the shame circle from What We Do In The Shadows and all the collective is just gonna circle me pointing and yelling “Shame! Shame!” Ughhhh.

But also I gave as little info about that particular conflict as I could.

It’s gonna be half a year since our altercation. Maybe even 7 months actually. I feel like MOSTLY Jessie is out of my system. But also I know my body was still responding to her the last time I saw her in November and it made me confused and sad. I don’t know, maybe that will be different now. AD had her hands all over me, I did have that fruitless crush on Kate, some other woman asked me out, I’ve gone on another fruitless date before Christmas. I am circulating. I’m not COMPLETELY alone, I have good friends, I have AD. I got hella validated by AD while we were in Texas as someone who deserves a real full relationship and someone who is loveable and desirable and a good partner. And that’s not really something Jessie was ever gonna confirm for me. She did like me I think, but only as some vague back up IN CASE but like not when I made it complicated by asking questions. And yeah, I don’t think she regrets the way she treated me. I think she feels justified and victimized by me forming some kind of close friendship with her with romantic undertones. And anyway we really aren’t friends anymore.

Anyway, I have to remember that there are people who see me as a worthy partner for someone, and Jessie can’t or won’t or whatever but she’s just ugh, so fucked. I mean it’s not awful that she has a partner, that’s fine, I get that she’s monogamous and that’s cool and stuff. I guess I just feel betrayed by the ways she let me feel like maybe she loved me back, and then her denying ever having any kind of feeling like that. Because it was not Just A Friendship, there was some intense stuff going on that she was in denial of when confronted. And I just ended up feeling used for emotional labour, and abandoned when I wanted some accountability. And it’s not even like I was asking her to have a relationship, I just wanted to know what the fuck?

Anyway blah I’ve talked about this so much. I just really don’t know what to expect when I talk to Jessie again, on Saturday. I don’t want our emotional affair to get raised in the meeting. I don’t want her to figure out some new way to betray me for fun. Ugh just ugh. And also her damned weaselly eye avoidance drives me nuts. Although fuck, I doubt I’ll be trying to make tons of eye contact with her. And who knows she might just be anxious and weird anyway.

AND ALSO I know her life really sucks right now because the few things she has posted online are very depressed and upset. And I’ve not reached out to her about any of it because she made a boundary. But like I do sort of feel bad for her. And things for me are generally going really awesomely. And I had kind of hoped she would tell me congratulations about my news but she couldn’t even extend herself that much. She heart reacted. On my artist page. I don’t even think she’s following my personal page anymore. She probably hates all my dog memes. And whatever thoughts I have about life. And me in general. And I don’t know if I care but I also have to be in the same room as her for several hours on Saturday and I’m not really looking forward to it.